SERIES: Great Church Fights
Are We Willing to Become a Peacemaking Church?
SPEAKER: Michael P. Andrus
Introduction: For the past two and a half months we have been studying conflict and peacemaking here at First Free. We have examined negative conflicts, positive conflicts, and neutral conflicts. We have carefully studied more than a half dozen conflicts described in the Bible, both Old and New Testaments. We have gleaned all the principles we could find about the sources of conflict, the kinds of conflict, and, most importantly, the cure for conflict. Then we hosted a conference for the churches of Wichita on Peacemaking. That conference was very helpful in drawing together all we have learned and putting it in an easy-to-access form.
I’ve asked a difficult question in my sermon title this morning: Are We Willing to Become a Peacemaking Church? Of course, you can’t answer that question without knowing what is involved, can you? Oh, I’m sure your initial reaction is to say “yes;” after all, peace is a wonderful commodity that we all desire. We would love to have peace on the international scene so we could withdraw our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan (even South Korea and Germany, for that matter!). We would love to have peace in politics, with Democrats and Republicans laying down their arms and working for us instead of against one another. We’d love to have peace in our homes, at work, at school, at church.
But the question is not, “Do we want peace?” but rather “Are we willing to do what is necessary to achieve it; are we willing to become a peacemaking church?” Wanting something and be willing to pay the price to obtain it are two very different things. I’m going to begin today by examining a brief passage of Scripture that contains one of the most important passages in the Bible on peacemaking, James 3:13-18:
“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”
A peacemaking church is one where leaders and people pursue the wisdom that comes from above. (James 3:13-18)
Is there anyone who wouldn’t like to experience a harvest of righteousness in his or her life? Righteousness is right living, a right relationship with God, a right relationship with people. The person experiencing a harvest of righteousness is one who can honestly say, “God and I are OK. My spouse and I are OK. My children and I are OK. My neighbors and I are OK.” Who wouldn’t want that?
But a harvest of righteousness is not automatic, even for the one who is born again by faith in Christ. There’s a very important principle in the Scriptures that we tend to lose sight of sometimes. It comes from Galatians 6:7-8:
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”
Paul here speaks of two different fields in which we can sow–the field of the sinful nature and the field of the Spirit. These two fields produce two very different crops. The Apostle James employs similar imagery in the passage we just read. Instead of speaking of two different fields, he speaks of two different kinds of wisdom. One kind is “earthly, unspiritual, of the devil,” while the other is a “wisdom that comes from heaven.” Only the latter will produce a harvest of righteousness.
Let’s take just a minute to examine these two kinds of wisdom. The first is what we might call “worldly wisdom.” It’s the kind we see all around us today:
“The end justifies the means.”
“Sow your oats while you’re young.”
“Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you die.”
“The one who dies with the most toys wins.”
“You deserve a break today.”
“Just do it.”
This is the kind of wisdom that permeates our society, and too often permeates the church. Not surprisingly, it creates conflict. James describes its results with terms like “bitter envy,” “selfish ambition,” “disorder” (that’s another term for conflict, even chaos) and “every evil practice.” It causes breakdown and division in the community. People are hurt and relationships deteriorate. Who would deny that this is what we see all around us?
The playwright Oscar Wilde, who essentially sinned himself to death at the age of 46, honestly describes the effects of worldly wisdom on his own life:
“The gods had given me almost everything. But I let myself be lured into long spells of senseless and sensual ease. I amused myself with being a FLANEUR, a dandy, a man of fashion. I surrounded myself with the smaller natures and the meaner minds. I became the spendthrift of my own genius, and to waste an eternal youth gave me a curious joy. Tired of being on the heights, I deliberately went to the depths in search for new sensation. What the paradox was to me in the sphere of thought, perversity became to me in the sphere of passion. I grew careless of the lives of others. I took pleasure where it pleased me and passed on. I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character, and that therefore what one has done in the secret chamber, one has some day to cry aloud from the house-top. I ceased to be lord over myself. I was no longer the captain of my soul, and did not know it. I allowed pleasure to dominate me. I ended in horrible disgrace.”[i]
What Wilde apparently didn’t grasp is that he could never find peace if he was bent on being lord over himself or captain of his soul. Someone Else must be our Lord and Captain.
But there is a second kind of wisdom that produces a very different harvest. This wisdom comes from above. James describes it as being pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. When we live by that kind of wisdom, we will reap a harvest of righteousness. Look once again at verse 18: “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” Peace is in diametric opposition to the disorder James says is produced by the wisdom from below. Peace speaks of healthy community and healthy relationships.
Friends, a peacemaking church is one that pursues the wisdom from above as a matter of ministry philosophy and mission. It is one where God’s Word is studied and lived. It is one where God’s Spirit is in control, empowering its leaders and people.
A peacemaking church is one where leaders and people regularly choose peacemaking responses rather than escape responses or attack responses.
I want you to take a brief look at a diagram we used in the Peacemaker Conference called, “The Slippery Slope: Staying on Top of Conflict.”[ii] If you went to the seminar a week ago this will be review, but I trust it will be beneficial, nevertheless. This material is not rocket science. It’s obvious and common-sense, but I think it has been put in an ingenious form here. There are three possible responses we can make to conflict: escape, attack, or peacemaking.
Our default response to conflict is usually to escape or attack, depending in large part on our personalities. Escape is represented by the blue triangle on the left, attack by the red triangle on the right. People who are insecure, introverted, meek, or fearful will generally use the escape route. Strong leaders, Type-A’s, the extroverted will often use the attack route.
Escape responses:
1. Denial is to pretend there’s no problem, but down deep you know there is. Denial brings only temporary relief and usually makes matters worse later.
2. Flight is denial acted upon. Maybe you end a friendship, quit a job, file for divorce, or change churches.
3. Suicide is the ultimate escape mechanism. It is never a right way to deal with conflict.
At the other end of the slippery slope are three attack responses:
Attack responses
1. Assault may involve actual physical violence, but it can also refer to various forms of intimidation, such as verbal attacks, gossip, slander, or any attempt to hurt another person personally or professionally. Assault always makes the conflict worse.
2. Litigation is the weapon of choice in our society, but it is strongly discouraged in Scripture. Lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and fail to achieve complete justice. That’s why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle conflicts within the church rather than within the court system.
3. Murder is the ultimate attack response, just as suicide is the ultimate escape response. While actual killing is rare in the church, we should not forget that we stand guilty of murder in God’s eyes when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others.
Fortunately, we do not have to choose between escape responses and attack responses when it comes to resolving conflict. There are a number of peacemaking responses–some of which we can do personally, while others require assistance from others.
Peacemaking responses
Personal peacemaking
1. Overlook an offense. The first personal peacemaking response is to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11 clearly says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” That is not the same as denial. Denial is pretending it’s not there. Overlooking is admitting it’s there and that it is wrong, but deciding that it’s a molehill not worth making a mountain out of.
2. Reconciliation may be needed if the offense is too great to overlook. This may require loving confrontation, confession, and forgiveness. The Scriptures speak to this process often, especially in Matt. 5:23-24: “If your brother has something against you … go and be reconciled.”
3. Negotiation may still be needed even after reconciliation solves the relational issues. There may be material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This can and should be done through cooperative bargaining.
But frankly there are times when a dispute cannot be resolved personally. It’s just too great; the principal parties are too emotionally involved. In such situations the Bible tells us we should get involved in…
Assisted peacemaking
1. Mediation involves a third party brought in to help two individuals find reconciliation. This is biblical. Matt. 18:16 says, “If he will not listen (to you alone) take one or two others along.”
2. Arbitration is mediation on steroids. Those in conflict agree in advance that they will accept the decision of the mediator. The legal system calls this “binding arbitration,” and it can have the same force as a court judgment, but it’s a lot cheaper. In 1 Cor. 6:4 Paul seems to have this kind of thing in mind when he says, “If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church.” There’s sarcasm in his words, implying that the least important person in the church could do a better job deciding issues between believers than a judge in a secular court.
3. Accountability (or church discipline) is the ultimate form of peacemaking. If a person professes to be a Christian yet refuses to be reconciled, refuses mediation, and refuses arbitration, then church leaders are to formally intervene and hold the sinning person accountable. Matt. 18:17: “If he refuses to listen to (others), tell it to the church.” This may involve removal from the Lord’s Supper or even excommunication.
I want to take most of the rest of our time this morning for a remarkable story about Christians practicing what I’ve been talking about. Ray Dorsett and Paul Davis shared this testimony last week at the Peacemaker Conference, and it alone was worth the price of admission. Unfortunately, Paul is out of town today, but I’ve asked Ray to come and share a shortened version with you. It will enable you to see what can be achieved when Christians accept peacemaking as a mandate from Scripture and are willing to allow the church to help them.
Testimony: “Since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” He is the one who also enables us to be at peace with others ¼ giving us the fruit of the Spirit including love, joy, and peace.
Paul Davis and I have been Christians for a long time. I am an Elder here at First Free, previously a member of the National Board of Directors of our denomination, and founder of Harvest Communications. Paul is a missionary kid, founder of HopeNet, a previous elder in this church, and a follower of Jesus his whole life. You wouldn’t think we were prime candidates for what happened.
Furthermore, Paul and I have had an unusually close friendship for almost 30 years. It goes back to the birth of our first child, a little girl named Sara. Sara was born with a congenital heart defect ¼ and died at 10 days old. Among the first people to love up on us were Paul and his wife Carol.
We, along with a few other people, started a young marrieds’ Sunday School Class that grew significantly, matured, and still exists in this church. Our families were so close that we agreed that if anything ever happened to either couple, the other couple would take over the care of our children.
Paul and I, along with Dave Miller, met every week for Bible study, fellowship, prayer, fellowship, and friendship starting in 1978. Paul and I were probably closer than most brothers.
In 1995 Paul and I started a business. We thought it would honor the Lord, help tens of thousands of people, and provide a fair return to the investors. We probably couldn’t have had more honorable men on the board. But, while some of our lofty goals were accomplished, the business began to fail for a variety of reasons which I won’t go into this morning. Large financial losses piled up, tensions rose, and harsh, accusing and self-defending letters and e-mails were exchanged. Bottom line, we discovered nearly five years ago that the relationship which we both cherished was in the dump. Our wives were drawn into it, even our children to some extent.
We were anything but peacemakers. We knew better, but our lives were torn apart. Anger and bitterness took the place of love and compassion. We were resigned to go our separate ways. And because we were somewhat known in the community of believers, our conflict began to affect other people.
When he returned to Wichita in 2004, Mike Andrus, a mutual friend of some 30 years, heard that Paul and I were in conflict. He approached both of us, individually, as a friend who genuinely cared for us and for the negative testimony our conflict was having within the Christian community. He told us that his heart was grieved over our situation and lovingly re-enforced his conviction that God was not honored in this.
But the compelling and irresistible factor for me was that Mike was willing to share that he, too, had experienced a conflict with someone in his church in St. Louis, and he had found help in reconciliation through the Peacemakers organization. I didn’t feel judged or condemned…I felt understood but challenged to follow the same course he found to healing.
He asked if we would be willing to meet with him and a mutual acquaintance, former District Judge Ron Rogg, a certified Peacemaker, to consider what the Bible says about peace, reconciliation, mercy, grace and forgiveness. We agreed to each meet individually with Mike and Ron. They talked openly about a Christ-centered process, about focus, about reasonable expectations (including the possibility that we might not achieve full reconciliation). We even talked about the possibility of binding arbitration. We also agreed to reading, prayer and writing assignments.
Personally, I am convinced of the biblical truth that says, “for it is God who is at work in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” It was the Holy Spirit, working with truth we had learned through the years, who was the principal agent for beginning to change our hearts. Speaking for myself, during the first reading assignments, which dealt with Glorifying God and Getting the Log Out of our own Eye ¼. the Lord stopped me in my tracks. I knew my sin and I was convicted of things I had done. Frankly, I was ready to quit fighting. It had gone on for two years, and I was ready to cry “uncle.”
But Paul and I still hadn’t met together. That was the next essential step. Candidly, after a long time apart, the meeting was awkward and uncomfortable. Mike and Ron led us through the process. When we would begin to color outside the lines of process, Mike and Ron graciously drew us back to the process we had agreed to. I was both amazed and thankful to see progress. I believe Paul was too.
Because the offense also involved our wives, we collectively agreed that it would be important to involve our wives. Mike and Ron suggested clear ground rules for that kind of meeting. We all met together, where there was opportunity for both of us to express to the others our own sins and our own contributions to harming the relationships. There was also an opportunity for us to tell the others where we were hurt.
There was incredible joy as reconciliation was slowly achieved. I’ll never forget the night when, for the first time in two years, we walked out the door as couples and went and had dinner together. We enjoyed that evening together like we had in the past. We laughed, got caught up on family news, and got to meet Paul’s quadruplet grandchildren for the first time. Frankly, it was great.
We were and are very thankful to the Lord who is the God of reconciliation and His servants, Mike and Ron, for their honest, non-judgmental, and sacrificial service to us and our families.
That was almost 2 ½ years ago. Paul, Dave Miller and I are back to our weekly fellowship. Our wives have been in Bible studies together. We have had a number of fun times together–birthdays, weddings and other celebrations. Things are reconciled, restored and healed.
Last year Paul and I led a Peacemakers Study together. We were amazed at the profound response from people in our group. Some had been suppressing pain for years, but in an environment of vulnerability, grace and support they stepped forward almost like at an AA meeting. Frankly, it was as the church should be, for we are all broken.
I doubt our story is all that unique. I suspect there are scores of people sitting in every church pew, singers in every choir, missionaries on every foreign country, marriages in every ABF, even leaders in every church who are hiding bitter conflicts under rugs of denial and disobedience.
I’m here today to admit my own sin, but also to share the good news that Christ has given His life for us so that we may be reconciled not only to Him, but to each other. Paul and I honestly feel that when we came to that point of forgiveness and reconciliation, Jesus and the heavenly hosts stood up and cheered…not at what we accomplished…but at what Christ’s blood had done in our lives so that HE was honored!”
Mike: Thank you, Ray. And my gratitude goes also to Paul, who would love to have been here to participate.
A peacemaking church is one where leaders and people practice biblical confession and forgiveness.
No one here would argue with that statement, but many of us don’t know how. We have such distorted views of what confession is or what true forgiveness is. How many of us have said to someone, “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” or worse yet, “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” and considered that a legitimate confession? How many of us have said, “I forgive you, but I want you out of my life,” and considered that a legitimate act of forgiveness. These are huge topics in and of themselves, and entire sermons could be preached on each. I want to simply whet your appetite for further study and meditation by sharing with you 7 A’s of Confession and 4 Promises of Forgiveness.
Seven A’s of confession. Frankly, I think it’s rare that a true confession of sin takes place unless we have covered all of these:
1. Address everyone involved. Confession, in other words, should go as far as the sin went.
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe. If you did something wrong, be courageous enough to say so. Don’t tack on, “But it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done X first.”
3. Admit specifically. General confessions are generally not worth the breath it takes to express them. “I’m sorry I hurt you” needs to be replaced by “I’m sorry I hurt you by saying such-and-such ordoing such-and-such.” When one of my grandchildren hurts another their mother inevitably says, “Michael, tell Brittany you’re sorry.” And inevitably Michael mumbles under his breath, “Sorry.” The next question is, “Sorry for what?” And the answer is usually, “You know.” We’re all like children in that way, aren’t we?
4. Acknowledge the hurt. One of the most healing things a person can hear from us is the words, “I know what I did hurt you.”
5. Accept the consequences. You may have to make restitution, if possible, for what you have done. If the other person has suffered material damages from your behavior, merely saying you’re sorry won’t resolve it.
6. Alter your behavior. After all, confession followed by repetition of the hurt is hardly meaningful. Make sure it doesn’t happen again.
7. Ask for forgiveness. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry,” or even “I hope you’ll forgive me,” but rather “Will you forgive me?” That lets the other person know that you really want to be forgiven, but you may need to allow them time.
Forgiveness, too, is often misunderstood. I think it is likewise helpful to consider what are called . . .
Four promises of forgiveness
1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.
If we are unwilling to make these promises, chances are we have not truly forgiven the offender. Now please understand that there are some unusual situations where these rules probably don’t apply. If you have been abused by someone or are asked to testify in a criminal proceeding, a different set of rules may apply, but for 99% of the personal offenses we experience, these promises of forgiveness are workable and possible.
Conclusion. Friends, peacemaking is not extraneous to our church’s mission; it is central to it. On the back of the bulletin every Sunday we say that . . .
Our Mission is to glorify God
through honoring His name,
teaching His Word,
loving His people,
and expanding His kingdom.
Since He is the God of peace who has reconciled all things to Himself through Christ, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross, we can only honor His name as we are peacemakers.
Since His Word has so much to say about peacemaking, we cannot teach His Word with integrity without teaching about peace. We cannot love His people without an attitude of forgiveness and without becoming agents of reconciliation. And we will never expand His kingdom by reaching a watching world unless we are living examples of peacemaking.
May I say one more thing? Every one of us was once an enemy of God. But God declared peace. However, we must sign that peace treaty, and we do so when we put our personal faith in Jesus Christ.
DATE: November 11, 2007
Tags:
Peacemaking
Denial
Suicide
Litigation
Reconciliation
Mediation
Arbitration
Confession
Forgiveness
[i]. Oscar Wilde, De Profundis.
[ii] This material is found in Ken Sande’s great book, The Peacemaker. A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.