SERIES: Ten Stupid Things People Do to Mess Up Their Lives
Failing to Honor Our Parents
SPEAKER: Michael P. Andrus
Introduction: I read the following social analysis this week:
“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”[i]
Who wrote that, and when do you think it was written? Your own parents, last week? Ann Landers last year? A politician in the 60’s? In fact, it is an extract from a sermon preached by Peter the Hermit in A.D. 1274! That’s over 700 years ago! The more things change, the more they remain the same.
The fifth commandment reads as follows in Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” This commandment serves as the transition from the first table of the Law to the second. The first four commandments focus on God, while the last six focus on human relationships.
The fifth commandment is unique in that it is the only one with an explicit promise attached, namely “that you may live long in the land.” The Apostle Paul stresses this point strongly in his letter to the Ephesian church, chapter 6. Obviously, this is not a commandment one should take lightly–if only for reasons of self-interest. Nevertheless, we see today unprecedented violation of this commandment, even in many Christian homes. I dare say Peter the Hermit, as scandalized as he was in his day with the lack of respect children were showing their parents, would be totally blown away were he to come back and spend a day in our society.
Pastor Steve Zeisler has written very perceptively about the situation we see today:
“This problem (disrespect of parental authority) strikes me as ironic on one level because those currently raising children are the ‘Baby boom’ generation…. Baby boomers in the late 1960’s rejected the rights of parents to be authoritative figures in their lives. They insisted that no one over 30 could be trusted. They rejected the right of government to govern, renounced the traditions of previous generations, and threw off the shackles of biblical thinking.
These baby boomers are now parents, and they are realizing with shock that the rebellion they chose in their youth is coming home to roost. They do not know how to parent their children and are frustrated because they long to do a good job, but do not know how.”[ii]
Well, a good place to start is with the fifth commandment. It’s not often I preach to a particular age group (and I’m not really even doing that today, for there is something in this text for every one of us), but there is a special sense in which I want our young people to sit up and pay close attention this morning. While the adults who have living parents still must honor them, it is the children and teenagers who have nearly their whole lives before them. What you do with this commandment for the next five or ten years could make all the difference in the world to your success in life, in career, or in marriage. In fact, it could even determine whether you make it to adulthood.
Let’s begin our study of the fifth commandment with …
The commandment itself: “Honor your parents.”
What is honor? It does not refer to cowering fear or fawning obedience or abject servitude. I believe the best single-word synonym is “respect.” It means to place a high value upon, to hold in high opinion, and to show courtesy to. It applies equally to one’s father and mother.
This commandment clearly forbids speech that is impudent, contemptuous, mocking, or rebellious. It disallows responding with a sassy, “I won’t!” The Old Testament was extremely hard on children who badmouthed their parents: “Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.” (Exodus 21:17) Now I am not advocating capital punishment for incorrigible children today, but the fact that it was once required is an indication of how seriously God takes the issue of honoring one’s parents. And that seriousness is found not just in the Mosaic Law. Listen to Proverbs 20:20: “The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.” You want 20:20 vision rather than blindness? Then pay attention to Prov. 20:20.
Please understand the fifth commandment does not command you to agree with your parents or to delight in their company or even to always like them. There are families that regularly enjoy beautiful times together–laughter, fun, excellent communication. Such relationships are gifts from God that flow out of choices that are made over a period of time. But not every child enjoys such a relationship with his or her parents. Still, the fifth commandment requires honor.
How is honor to parents demonstrated? It all depends. I want to suggest to you that if a child is dependent on his or her parents, that honor is shown through respect and obedience. If the child is living independently of parents, it is shown through respect and listening to the parent’s counsel. If the parents are aged, it is shown through respect and support. Allow me to comment on all three.
If you are dependent on your parents, honor is demonstrated through respect and obedience. I believe in a principle that we might call “the rule of the roof.” If a child, no matter what age, is living under the parents’ roof, there should be respect plus obedience–i.e., the child should not violate the rules of the home. Naturally, the areas in which obedience is expected would be different for a 4-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 24-year-old living at home. As a child grows, a wise parent will allow more and more self-determination. The goal is to help a child toward independence. William Barclay put it this way: “The great and difficult task of parenthood is to exercise control in such a way that in the end the child will not need it anymore.”[iii]
But while a child is dependent on his parents, respect and obedience are required. I can see no excuse for a child ever yelling at his parents, calling them names, or refusing to obey a simple request, so long as it doesn’t violate the revealed will of God. When a child shows lack of respect or disobeys the parent, it is purely and simply a violation of God’s commandments, as much as stealing, lying, or even murder. The child is illegitimately claiming an exemption from the commandments of God.
But once the child leaves home and is no longer supported by the parents, the relationship changes. When the child marries, Genesis 2 speaks of the necessity of “leaving” father and mother and “cleaving to one’s spouse.” Generally speaking, this entails a change in relationship that is geographical, financial, emotional, and in regard to decision-making. When a person fails to leave his father or mother in these areas, there is invariably big trouble in the new marriage. Even if a child does not get married, once he becomes self-supporting, the manner in which honor is demonstrated changes.
Once the child is independent of parents, honor is shown through respect and listening to counsel. The parents will always be older than the child and will always have more life experiences from which to draw. While it is true that not all life experiences are of equal value, and age does not necessarily produce wisdom, it will be a rare situation indeed, in which the child cannot learn something from the parent. Furthermore, the parent knows the child better than anyone else. Therefore, it is only wise for the child to listen to the parent’s advice. He doesn’t have to accept it, but he should at least listen.
The situation changes again as the parents become older. The principle I would offer is this:
If the parents are aged, honor is shown through respect and support. Obviously, life expectancy is increasing dramatically, and many elderly people are enjoying good health and independence even into their 80’s and 90’s–almost unheard of at the beginning of the last century. There nevertheless comes a time when nearly every parent will need a child’s support–perhaps financially, but certainly emotionally.
I don’t think we can generalize regarding whether a child should accept his aged parents into his or her home. That’s a beautiful thing to see when it works, but it doesn’t always work. What is intolerable, however, is to see elderly people whiling their time away in retirement centers with never a visit from their own children–and that happens more often than you can imagine. For about five years in the late 80’s I regularly visited a dear Christian lady at the Jewish Center for the Aged until she died. A member of our church who worked there put me in touch with her, and she became a dear friend. She had three children, but she saw two of them about twice a year and one not at all. They were too busy with their own lives to be bothered.
In Mark 10:19 (as well as Matt. 19:19 and Luke 18:20), Jesus condemns the Pharisees for their subtle evasion of the fifth commandment when it came to responsibility for elderly parents. To avoid having to help their parents, some of these religious hypocrites pledged all their earthly goods to the synagogue. They called their stuff “Korban,” which means “formally dedicated to God.” When an aged parent asked for help, they would say, “Oh, Mom, I would love to help you, but all my possessions are dedicated to God.” Of course, since they were clergy, these Pharisees continued to view themselves as free to spend God’s possessions as they saw fit. It was all a clever trick to avoid honoring and supporting their parents.
I have one other question regarding the commandment itself:
What does the parent owe the child in return for honor? Perhaps the better question would be simply, “What does the parent owe the child, period, regardless of whether the child shows honor?” We think too often of reciprocity: “I’ll give him this if he gives me that; otherwise, phooey on him.”
Parents owe love, encouragement, and consistency to their children.
Parents owe the child an example of godliness. If there is a discrepancy between the parents’ talk and their walk, children will be far more likely to do what the parents do, not what they say.[iv]
Parents owe the child instruction in the way of the Lord. Remember Deut. 6:6-7? “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
Parents owe the child communication.
Parents owe a child loving touches and hugs.
Parents owe the child discipline. Someone said, “When the young person begins to sow his wild oats, it’s time for the parents to start the threshing machine.” That machine can take many different forms, but the common thing it will involve is the delicate duty of curbing his will without breaking his spirit. Over-strictness is just as wrong as over-leniency.
Parents owe the child time. The April 6, 1990 issue of Wall Street Journal reported that, on average, American parents spend less than 15 minutes a week in serious discussion with their children. For fathers the amount of intimate contact with their children was reported as an average of 17 seconds per day.
And finally, the most important thing parents owe their child is prayer. There’s a little book entitled, Praying God’s Will for My Children. I believe the author is Lee Roberts. It would be a good book for any parent to read.
But even if children don’t get all these things from their parents, they are still commanded to honor their father and mother. No exceptions are offered, though we will later consider some tough questions.
Now quickly I want to move on to the issue of …
The right motives for obeying this commandment:
Without fear of contradiction, the primary motive for obeying this commandment of God, as with any other, is …
Because He said so. Where God speaks clearly (and the fifth commandment is clear!), the biblical Christian does not argue. But for most of us that almost goes without saying, so let me go a step further and offer a second motive:
Because it is right and proper. That’s what Paul says in Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” That is, it is equitable, just, and fitting. I have asked the question before, “Is something right because God says it’s right, or does God say it’s right because it is right.” I would opt for the former. God Himself defines what is right, but I believe this is one of those things God says that can be demonstrated empirically and intuitively, as well–it does not just have to be accepted by faith.
There is an enormous amount of evidence that would lead an objective observer to conclude that children should obey their parents. We owe our very existence to our parents. Our parents cared for us, feeding us when we couldn’t feed ourselves, carrying us when we could not walk, protecting us when we were helpless. Generally, no one loves children more than their parents.
A third motive stated in the commandment itself is …
Because it will lengthen one’s life. The commandment states, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long …” I don’t see this as an absolute, iron-clad guarantee that you will live to be 100, nor is it any indication that every child who dies young was disrespectful. Rather it is a general principle meaning that, all other things are equal, an obedient child will live longer than a disobedient one.
Just look at the juvenile crime statistics. Law enforcement officials and court judges would universally confirm that children who end up being shot or incarcerated or damaged by drugs and promiscuity, almost always began their first steps toward personal destruction through lack of respect and honor of their parents. Seventy percent of the prison population serving long-term sentences consists of men who grew up without dads at all.[v] While there are thousands of single moms who are doing an exceptional job of parenting and are beating the odds, the fact remains that children who do not honor their fathers (or who don’t have a father in the home to honor), are at great risk of moral impoverishment and worse. A fourth motive mentioned in the fifth commandment itself is …
Because it will benefit society. Here’s what the commandment claims: “that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Clearly these words are referring to the land of Palestine. God is telling His people that honor of parents will result in a strong nation, rather than deterioration at the core of the social structure. Some of the Israelites might have said, “When we get into the Promised Land, we must have strong armies and fortified cities. Then no enemy will be able to conquer us.” But God reminded them that if their homes were ruined by disobedient children, neither strong armies nor walled cities would save them. Even today, national security does not solely depend on a nation’s army, navy, or air force. These are, in fact, useless if the inner defenses decay.
Let’s move quickly to
Some tough questions about honor:
What if your parents don’t deserve it? So? Since when did our obligation to do what is right apply only to people who deserve it? I don’t mean to belittle the pain some of you have experienced in your relationships with your parents, but at the same time, I don’t want us to use other people’s sin as an excuse for our own. It would do us well to remember that there has only been one perfect Child on this earth. That perfect Child had imperfect parents. Yet we read in Luke 2:52, after the incident when Jesus, at age 12, remained in the Temple in Jerusalem unbeknownst to his parents as they headed home, “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.” If even a perfect child managed to be obedient to his imperfect parents, then I suspect our excuses for not being obedient ring pretty hollow.
As you know, if you have been part of this church for any length of time, I rarely use my own family for illustrative material. But I want to share some very personal things this morning. My wife and I have both worked hard to honor our parents, and while we have made many mistakes in life, failing to honor our parents has not been one of them. That wasn’t terribly difficult for me. My parents, now 84 and 81, are very godly people–engaging, intelligent, wise, and funny. They aren’t perfect, but they were always loving parents to all five of their children, and all five have solid relationships with them and with each other. My parents really never gave us any reason to disrespect them.
My wife, on the other hand, had a difficult childhood. Her parents divorced when she was 7 and her mother remarried several more times. Her father was an alcoholic and suffered from bipolar disorder. His manic-depression left him unable to work after his late 40’s. Neither of her parents were able to provide the Blessing for which every child longs–that level of approval and unconditional love that enables a child to feel secure.
But my wife has always treated her parents with great respect. She has always honored them. She recognized they weren’t able to give her all she needed, and she understood why. You see, her father lost his mother when he was very young and was reared by a stepmother who didn’t love him. As a glider pilot he was shot down on D-Day in France. These and other events left an indelible mark on his psyche. Her mother, on the other hand, was one of twelve children by four different fathers–not the kind of home life conducive to good relationships or personal security.
But instead of hating her parents or criticizing them for their failures, she has always treated them with honor, has spoken kindly to them and of them, and never made unreasonable demands on them. When her father died five years ago, Jan handled it remarkably well because she had no unfinished business with him, no regrets that she hadn’t told him she loved him. She is in Kansas today taking her mother and her stepmother to see her nephew graduate from high school in Neodesha. I’m proud of Jan for the way she has obeyed the fifth commandment, even in the face of lots of potential excuses not to.
Some of you may face even worse situations than Jan, but let me assure you–God has not given you any commandments He hasn’t also provided the resources for you to keep. One writer observes perceptively,
“Although there are no simple cures to a painful childhood, the biblical pattern for recovery begins with honesty. As long as there is dishonesty or misrepresentation of the situation, the journey back to health will not proceed very far. There has to be honesty before God about what has happened.
The second step involves receiving and granting forgiveness. We must receive forgiveness from God for our sins and then forgive those who have sinned against us. Forgiveness is the antidote to defensiveness and inhibition.”[vi]
I have one other suggestion for those who are recovering from a painful past: get involved in ministry with children and young people. Redeem your own pain by pouring yourself into those who would greatly benefit from the love, care, and godly instruction that perhaps you did not receive. It will yield the wonderful by-product of health and wholeness in your own life as well.[vii] Right here at First Free we need some 300 people to fully staff our children’s programs, and another 75 to staff our youth programs. And outside the church there are programs for young people at Sunshine Ministries, Jubilee Community Church, BSF, K-Life, FCA, and many other places. Part of the process of healing in your own life may include investing in a needy child or teenager.
A second tough question that arises is this:
What if your parents are no longer living? What if you were estranged from your parents and then they died? The first step with this is the same as the first step with any sin: confess it and accept God’s forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
I preached a sermon in 1996, April 14 to be exact, entitled, “Giving and Receiving the Blessing.” It was based upon a book called The Blessing, by Gary Smalley and John Trent. I would point you to either the sermon or the book for further help in discovering how to find peace if you failed to honor parents who are no longer here. Part of the answer is to begin to see your current family as a source for the Blessing every one of us needs. The church is a home for the homeless, a family for those who do not have a family, or who do not have a family that honors God.
Now let me close with …
Some practical suggestions:
Don’t expect perfection from parents. There aren’t any perfect parents. I hardly know a single parent that doesn’t suffer from feelings of inadequacy and even guilt for not measuring up. I lead the pack. Children, give your parents a break. Most are doing the best they can.
Learn your parents’ story and try to understand their unique journey. That was my point in sharing about my wife’s family. If your parents are still with you, sit down and talk to them about their life. I set up a video camera one day a couple of years ago and asked my parents to just talk about their childhoods, their teen years, their courtship, and their early years as a family. It was very, very interesting. As you do that, you will learn about some of the influences that made your parents who they are. It should help you understand them better and be more patient with them. Some of your anger may turn to pity.
The other side of that is to leave your own children and grandchildren a record of your own life story, even if they don’t ask for it. I have written a document that is already more than 60 pages, with the memories of my childhood and the lessons I have learned. I focus on the fingerprints that God has left on my life. Hopefully, some day that story will be cherished and valued.
Pay back the good you received from your parents, but refuse to return evil for evil. Every single one of us received some good from our parents–if nothing else, we received the gift of life. But most of us also received love, nurturing, support, encouragement, and discipline–at least the best they could offer. We are duty bound to return that good with honor, respect, support, and love.
If we also received some bad things as well from our parents, we need to remember the Scripture command not to return evil for evil. “’Vengeance is mine,’ says the Lord, ‘I will repay.’” (Romans 12:19)
Conclusion: The famous New England poet, Robert Frost, wrote with obvious bitterness, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” Friends, it should be a lot more than that. I am sure most of you parents long, as I do, to be the kind of parent who will make it easy for my kids to honor me. I know that if my children cannot learn that lesson well, they will struggle all their lives.
And most of the young people here desire to honor your parents, though you find it very difficult to do so at times–partly because your parents are imperfect and partly because of sin in your own heart. God wants to help both the parents and the children here this morning. He provides the resources we need–through His Word, through the Holy Spirit, and through the Church. These resources are fully available to those who have recognized their sin and turned in faith to Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sin. He offers forgiveness based upon His death and resurrection.
Perhaps there are some this morning who need to repent. I’m going to ask that we take a few moments to open our hearts before God in confession. Then on the way home or perhaps this afternoon sometime, I encourage you to make confession to other family members against whom you may have sinned. There’s no time like right now to do the right thing. It is my prayer that some homes will begin to go in an entirely new direction starting today.
DATE: May 21, 2000
Tags:
Parenting
Honor
Respect
Obedience
[i] 1Quoted by William Barclay, The Ten Commandments for Today, 59.
[ii] 4Steve Zeisler, “Required of Humans: Appreciation of Authority,” Discovery Papers #4184, September 24, 1989, 1.
[iii] Barclay, 54.
[iv] Michael G. Moriarty, The Perfect Ten, 115.
[v] Wade F. Horn, “Why There Is No Substitute for Parents,” Imprimis 26, No. 6, June 1997, 2.
[vi] Zeisler, 3.
[vii] Zeisler, 3.