SERIES: Joshua: Victory through Faith
How to Start a Church Fight
SPEAKER: Paul T. Stolwyk
Introduction: On Tuesday night, I watched the 400 IM swimming finals. Two American swimmers, Tom Dolan and Eric Namesnik, teammates at Michigan State, won the gold and the silver. It was an exciting race. Dolan and Namesnik were neck and neck the whole time. In the end, Tom just beat out Eric by a touch. What a triumph for the American swim team to have the two fastest men in the most grueling of individual swimming events!
But the team victory went out the window by what we saw after the race. Even though Dolan and Namesnik were wearing the same kind of suit, the same warm-up jacket, and the same kind of swim cap, they were not on the same team. They hated each other. They were at war with each other in a way that went beyond swimming.
You could see it at the end of the race when neither one reached over to congratulate the other. I swam competitively for 13 years, and it is unwritten swimming etiquette to congratulate your competitors even in defeat. Not these two guys. The ugliness was most apparent when NBC pulled them both together to interview them after the race. Neither one looked at the other. Neither one acknowledged the abilities or achievements of the other. Neither one celebrated what the American team had done. It was icy cold. It was ugly.
I don’t know what these two have against one another. It is something more than just pure competitiveness. What made it so ugly was that they were supposed to be on the same team. Somewhere along the way, these very competitive men developed a conflict between one another that has escalated into war. A war without words. A war that may never be resolved.
Swim teams aren’t the most important social groupings in the world. But the same hatred can develop between important social units like the church and the family. Some of you have lived through churches that split, leaving members at war with one another. We have all seen families break apart like this, too. The landscape of our culture is littered with the debris of unresolved conflicts.
Conflicts are unavoidable. We experience conflict in all of our relationships, whether at home, in the marketplace, or in the Church. Conflict is normal. Each of us has different goals, desires, and needs. Whenever these differ with someone else, conflicts may occur. The problem is not conflict. Our problem is how we resolve conflict. Norm Wright believes most people have not been taught a healthy pattern of handling conflict.[i] Marriages are often characterized by strife and bickering rather than peace and harmony. The same could be said for a lot of churches.
Chapter 22 of the book of Joshua offers an account of conflict between people on the same team, between people in the family of God, a conflict that escalated to the point of war. It was a conflict that could have had a very ugly ending like two swimmers on a pool deck, but instead ended with reconciliation. This chapter will illustrate for us how conflict arises so easily among believers, but it will also model good and bad ways to ease the tension and bring the conflict to a unified resolution. And as I go, I will make application to the church and to the family.
Let’s look first at the …
Initial conditions for a good conflict.
The first condition for a good conflict is …
People with close relationship with one another. (1-6) When the land of Israel was divided up among the tribes, 2½ of the twelve tribes received land on the eastern side of the Jordan and the other 9½ tribes got land on the western side of the Jordan. Chapter 22 begins with the 2 ½ tribes leaving to go to the land that was allotted to them.
The 2½ tribes who would inherit the land to the east of the Jordan had been asked by Joshua in chapter 1 to assist in conquering the land on the west side for the other 9½ tribes. For seven years, they fought side by side. But now, after the land has been largely conquered, Joshua sends them off with warm commendations and blessings. Look at chapter 22:1-3:
“Then Joshua summoned the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half‑tribe of Manasseh and said to them, ‘You have done all that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded, and you have obeyed me in everything I commanded. For a long time now—to this very day—you have not deserted your brothers but have carried out the mission the LORD your God gave you.’”
Drop down to verse 6: “Then Joshua blessed them and sent them away, and they went to their homes.” (22:6)
They had just spent years fighting side by side for the cause of God. I suspect that there was bittersweet parting in this account as the 2 ½ tribes pick up their stuff to go back across the Jordan and set up homesteads for themselves. I imagine them exchanging addresses, promising to keep in touch, telling each other “I love you, man.”
Conflicts inevitably arise in the context of close relationships. The greater the intimacy, the greater the possibility for conflicts, ugly conflicts and conflicts that hurt deeply. This is why divorces are so painful and why church splits cause the seeking world to question the message of the Church.
Another condition that makes conflict ripe to occur is …
People with actions that are misunderstood. (10-12) Look at verse 10:
“When they (the 2½ tribes) came to Geliloth near the Jordan in the land of Canaan, the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half‑tribe of Manasseh built an imposing altar there by the Jordan. And when the Israelites heard that they had built the altar on the border of Canaan at Geliloth near the Jordan on the Israelite side, the whole assembly of Israel gathered at Shiloh to go to war against them.”
The whole chapter revolves around this action that the 2½ tribes take. They build an altar. The 9½ tribes misunderstand the action and prepare for battle. The threat to go to war, though extreme is based on the fact that they have strong personal convictions that get played out in verses 15-20.
People with strong personal convictions. (15-20) The 9 ½ tribes have convictions about important spiritual issues. When they saw the altar, they were suspicious that the 2½ tribes were going to create their own center for worship. Worse yet, they suspected they were building an altar to worship another god. In either case, their convictions arise from biblical injunctions against both.
They have convictions based not only from the Scriptures but from experience as well. They could still taste the bitter consequences of past disobedience. As Phineas and the leaders speak to the 2½ tribes, they refer to two events in their recent history. In verse 17, they ask, “Was not the sin of Peor enough for us? Up to this very day we have not cleansed ourselves from that sin, even though a plague fell on the community of the LORD!” And in verse 20, they plead with the 2½ tribes on the basis that “When Achan son of Zerah acted unfaithfully regarding the devoted things, did not wrath come upon the whole community of Israel? He was not the only one who died for his sin.”
At Peor the men indulged in sexual immorality with Moabite women and worshiped at the altars of their gods. Mike taught on Achan’s sin when we were in the 7th chapter of Joshua. In both cases, the consequence of the sin of one person or a few people was experienced by the whole community. So, as they see the altar being built, they know from experience that actions do not take place in a vacuum.
Personal convictions are good things. To have convictions means that something has been internalized in our own hearts to such a degree that we own them and in some cases are willing to die for them. But we must be very selective about which issues we will go to war over.
I have never heard of a church that split because a large portion of people had developed some heretical views of the deity of Christ or salvation or the inerrancy of the Scriptures. Unfortunately, the Evangelical church has a notoriously bad track record of going to war against each other over issues that are non-essential to personal faith.
Most church fights are over issues that are non-essential to personal faith. Can women wear pants. Do we sing choruses or hymns? What is the best way to school our children? Can people drink wine with a clear conscience? In the church, we need to have strong convictions and take a stand against heretical beliefs, immorality and idolatry. It is good to have convictions about other things, but we must guard against becoming so dogmatic that non-essentials become essentials too.
Even in family situations we need to pick our battles very carefully. Carol and I asked a couple whose teenagers seemed to have weathered the storm of public high school very admirably, what some of their parenting tips were. And they told us that as their kids got into their teenage years, they had fewer non-negotiables. There were only a few things that became unchangeable law, one of which was church attendance. How wise! Their priorities were few but crucial.
When these initial conditions are in place, conflicts are inevitable. We can learn much about resolving conflict by observing the good and bad practices that were used to resolve this conflict.
Actions which lead to unnecessary conflict
The 9 ½ tribes take actions which escalate the conflict unecessarily by …
Making assumptions about the internal motives behind a particular action. (12) What was the mistake the 9½ tribes made? They assumed that they could determine the inner motives of the heart based solely on their interpretation of the outward action they witnessed.
The Lord told Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 6:7) It is a grave danger to blur the distinction between my notion and truth. To make a guess about a motive and then call it true is extremely dangerous. The only person I know who can do that with 100% accuracy, 100% of the time—God. You and I are not God. To act as if we are, escalates a conflict unnecessarily. The conflict can also escalate by …
Making a quick judgement without getting the facts. Did you catch what the 9½ tribes decide to do initially. Verse 12 tells us they immediately decide to go to war. They make a judgment which will turn out to be wrong. They get a mob up in arms, and the mob starts swinging their swords. That is awfully quick for an assumption that will turn out to be wrong. The 9½ also begin …
Making an action plan without taking the relationship into account. It just doesn’t make sense. One minute they are setting up times for family reunions, but the next minute they are willing to dig the graves of their fellow-countrymen. For years they had fought the common enemy, now three days later one side sees the other as the enemy. They give no grace here, no willingness to give a brother the benefit of the doubt.
You know what is really tragic? This happens all the time. Husbands and wives begin to view each other as the enemy. Sons and daughters view their mom and dad as the enemy. Brothers and sisters in Christ start looking at each other as the enemy. The tragedy is that we are not the enemy. We have allowed the Enemy to turn our eyes away from what unites us and allow him to sow seeds of pettiness, pride and competition. We turn our attention away from the REAL ENEMY which distracts us from fulfilling the Great Commission.
We are in for some changes as a church. It is inevitable. When Rush Limbaugh dies, I could take his place because I know the way things ought to be, too. We will all differ in the way we see things. But let us exercise some grace with one another and give one another the benefit of the doubt. Let us continue to fight our common Enemy.
Thankfully, in Joshua 22 cooler heads prevail. After a bad start, good conflict resolution skills get practiced. War is averted. Unity is reestablished without compromise. Let’s look at the means that are used to diffuse the conflict.
Important steps to diffuse conflict
Before the whole mob is sent, the leaders of the 9½ tribes go and communicate their concerns to the 2 ½ tribes and give them an opportunity to make their case. One of the best skills you can develop is to learn how to use question marks instead of exclamation points or periods.
Ask questions to clarify the facts. (13-14) So much hurt could be avoided if we would simply go to people with whom we are in conflict and say, “I’m extremely bothered by the direction that you seem to be going. I sure would like to understand you better. Would you mind explaining your thinking to me?” This will go a long way to diffuse the tension in a conflict.
Focus on the action not the person. (15-16) The discussion begins with the 9½ tribes being very direct in their communication. There is nothing left under the table. The focus of their discussion is the altar that was built and their concern that their brothers have moved towards idolatry. They didn’t trash the character of the 2 ½ tribes. They didn’t call them Baal worshipers or use some other label that lumps them into the same camp as serial axe murderers. For the most part, they were direct, open, and focused on the one issue.
Be ready to personally sacrifice for unity. (19) The leaders were willing out of conviction to break fellowship and go to war in the case of idolatry. But they were willing to pay any price for unity, even to the point of personal sacrifice. Look at verse 19, where the leaders of the 9 ½ tribes say, “If the land you possess is defiled, come over to the Lord’s land, where the Lord’s tabernacle stands, and share the land with us. But do not rebel against the LORD or against us by building an altar for yourselves, other than the altar of the LORD our God.”
The leaders are saying in essence, “If you have built this altar because you must conform to the traditions in the land you have inherited, we would rather you move in with us.” They were willing to sacrifice their wealth, their inheritance and their comfort for the sake of unity under God’s authority.
Early in our marriage, I was cleaning up our little kitchen in our apartment in Evanston, IL. After wiping down the counter, I put the coffee pot nicely in the corner. The next morning, the coffee pot was gone. I thought it had been stolen. I looked around and found it in a closet. I didn’t think anything until about the fourth day. We had this little conflict over the coffee pot. I had strong convictions about the coffee pot. My family always had the coffee pot sitting out. It is convenient; we are going to use it tomorrow. Not only that, by keeping it out, you save 12 steps a day times 365 days in a year which is 4,380 steps in a year, which is two pair of shoes, which is $60 times 20 years, which is over $1,200 saved.
I could never quite understand what would drive Carol to be so irrational about the coffee pot. It doesn’t look that bad. In my heart, I started preparing for war over the placement of the coffee pot.
Soon after we were visiting her folks in Virginia. I was cleaning up after breakfast and put the coffee pot in the corner of their spacious counter. It looked lovely. Later that morning, I came in from working. I looked over the counter and lo and behold, their coffee pot had been stolen, too. Then it dawned on me. Our conflict over the coffee pot is because I grew up in a house that kept the coffee pot out and Carol grew up in a house where the coffee pot was put away. I decided then and there that the coffee pot was not worth fighting over. It isn’t raising children, or finances, or lifestyle issues.
It is humorous, but I share it because even though we all look pretty well put together, I know that behind the closed doors of your home conflict occurs. Some of it can be avoided and should be, by simply choosing to lessen the importance of the placement of a coffee pot. Carol and I have conflicts. But we try to work hard to talk through them. And frankly, there aren’t many things more important to me then oneness in my marriage. My work is not more important. My lifestyle is not more important. My extended family is not more important. My pride is not more important. And if necessary, I will sacrifice these important things for unity and oneness in my home. It is much more important. You either sacrifice oneness for yourelf or you sacrifice yourself for oneness. That’s true both in the family and in the church. Which one do you sacrifice?
The 9 ½ tribes jumped to a hasty conclusion. They did not give their brothers the benefit of the doubt. They jumped to a conclusion without the facts and came to an extreme solution right from the outset. The key moment in the story is in verse 21 and 22, when Ruben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh …
Refuse to overact to insensitivity. (21-24) Experts tells us that only 7% of communication is content, i.e., what I say. They tell us that 38% of communication is how I say it, and the other 55% of communication is what I say nonverbally.[ii]
So, the 9 ½ tribes show up with a legitimate question that gets communicated this way: Why are you building this altar? (pretend to wave sword in the air). Good question. Poorly and insensitively communicated. Usually what happens is that the disrespectful way it is communicated now becomes the issue. Which isn’t the real issue, which makes us discuss two issues simultaneously, which becomes an issue in itself. So now we have three issues which makes me frustrated which is now another issue, because you are making me frustrated. By the way, what is it exactly that we are yelling at each other about?
The key to diffuse this situation lies right here. The 2 ½ tribes don’t respond to the irrational ways in which they have been approached. They hear the content and give a calm explanation. Carol and I work very hard to work through our conflicts with words. Not with slamming doors or changed locks or other non-verbal ways of communicating. And when we do, it is often diffused when one us tries very hard to identify the real issue that is causing us to communicate so poorly.
Listen (30). The 9 ½ tribes listen. For 9 verses, they listen to their brothers explain that they built the altar, not to offer sacrifices, but to establish a physical reminder for their descendants on both sides of the river.
Choose to trust what the other person is saying. (30-33) Look at verse 30: ”When Phinehas the priest and the leaders of the community—the heads of the clans of the Israelites—heard what Reuben, Gad and Manasseh had to say, they were pleased.” Now drop down to verse 32: “Then Phinehas son of Eleazar, the priest, and the leaders returned to Canaan from their meeting with the Reubenites and Gadites in Gilead and reported to the Israelites. They were glad to hear the report and praised God. And they talked no more about going to war against them to devastate the country where the Reubenites and the Gadites lived.”
Often wars continue because we think that someone is just giving us a party line. But unless there is evidence that we cannot trust someone’s word, we should choose to believe them. Some conflicts never end, because out of competitiveness and a need to be right all the time, people fail to listen and trust what other people say, causing families and churches to break apart.
Speak words of affirmation (31) In verse 31, Phinehas son of Eleazar, the priest, said to Reuben, Gad and Manasseh, “Today we know that the LORD is with us, because you have not acted unfaithfully toward the LORD in this matter. Now you have rescued the Israelites from the Lord’s hand.” This is their apology. The actions of the 2½ tribes saved the 9 ½ tribes from the Lord’s hand. In other words, “If we had done what we had set out to do initially, the Lord’s hand would now be against us. You have kept us from doing something completely stupid. We are sorry. “
I tell couples in premarital counseling to get used to saying two things: “I’m sorry, will you forgive me” and “Yes, I forgive you. I will not hold this against you anymore.” It takes great humility to say it, but it helps preserve unity.
Conclusion. War is averted. Let’s avert wars. God loves truth. God loves purity. And God loves unity too. In his last prayer before He is arrested Jesus prays for us: “I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you… May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)
When the world sees us fighting with one another, our message lacks credibility. We say, “The Father sent Jesus.” And the world listens with deaf ears because they know it doesn’t make a difference. But when we live in a spirit of unity and love, the message has a different ring to it. A wonderful ring of truth. Let us work to that end.
Prayer. Father, some here this morning have important conflicts in their home or between a brother and sister in Christ. Help them to work towards resolution and unity. Give them repentance of pride and a willing spirit to die to themselves. Father protect us from going at each other. Please, oh please give us a spirit of unity and love and protect us from the spirit that divides. For Christ’s glory. Amen.
DATE: July 28, 1996
Tags:
Conflict
Convictions
Relationship
Marriage conflicts
[i] Wright, Marriage Counseling, 247-248
[ii] Norm Wright, Before You Say I Do, 54