Forgiving the Hard to Forgive
It has been a great privilege to be back with you these four weeks. Thank you kindly for your warm reception. This return to First Free has been especially encouraging in that I have been able to see many marriages at which I officiated still prospering, kids I dedicated still in the church, and individuals who came to Christ still growing in their faith. I take great joy in the continuing spiritual prosperity of First Free.
This morning I want to talk about one of the most difficult things we are ever called upon to do–to forgive those who have hurt us deeply. Let’s face it, forgiveness of any kind is hard work. But there are some who hurt us so deeply that it’s almost impossible to forgive them. I say “almost” because I believe God would not ask us to do something that is impossible. But I would definitely say that some acts of forgiveness can be done only with God’s power.
I am almost certain that everyone in this room has struggled with someone in the category of the hard-to-forgive. Maybe it’s a spouse who has betrayed you, or an employer who fired you without cause, or a classmate who made some extremely cutting remark. Or, God forbid, an adult who sexually abused you as a child,
I’m talking about someone you have never forgiven, who has kept you awake at night, whom you never wish to see again, and who in your worst moments you wish would suffer or maybe even die for what they did to you?
Forgiveness is a very big and complicated topic. There are many aspects to it. But it seems to me that perhaps the first question we need to ask is, “Why?”
Why should we forgive? And the best answer is simply this:
It is required by God. (Matt. 6:14-15, Eph. 4:32). Immediately after giving the disciples a model prayer, in which He prayed, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” Jesus added these difficult words: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” That is a scary thought. I’m not even sure of all the ramifications of it, but at the very least it should provide a tremendous motivation for us to consider forgiving those who have hurt us. However, it is not the only motivation the Scriptures offer us. The Apostle Paul provides a different kind of motivation, a very positive one, for forgiveness in Eph. 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” If you can’t bring yourself to forgive out of fear of the consequences, then forgive because of the love you have been shown.
Forgiveness is not optional; it is required by our heavenly Father.
It is essential for the health of the church. (2 Cor. 2:5-11) In 2 Cor. 2 Paul talks about a very hard-to-forgive individual, one who did something so heinous that he was excommunicated by the church. But once that individual repented, forgiveness was essential. In fact, Paul offers two profound reasons to forgive him: (1) so that the perpetrator would not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow (in other words, so that he wouldn’t abandon the faith, or maybe even commit suicide), and (2) so that Satan would not get a foothold in the church. You see, Satan doesn’t care whether the church fails to discipline members who sin grievously or refuses to forgive them after repentance. Either way, he gets the victory.
It is the only way to stop the pain. A failure to forgive hurts everyone—the perpetrator, the victim, family, friends, co-workers, fellow church members, everyone, but the one who suffers the most is the one who withholds forgiveness and allows bitterness and anger to eat his lunch. I have seen it happen. It’s like a cancer that metastasizes throughout the body.
With that as a basis for why we should pursue forgiveness, I want to turn your attention to four categories of people who are especially hard to forgive.
Some people are especially hard to forgive.
1. Chronic offenders. It is one thing to forgive a person who hurts us once or twice, even deeply. It is possible, if we try hard, to rebuild trust and to rekindle love. But what about the chronic offender, the one who hurts us again and again? I’m thinking of the spouse who is involved in his or her umpteenth affair or the teenager who is on his fourth drug rehab program. But I’m also thinking about chronic offenders whose faults are more mundane–the husband who is a couch potato, the wife who is a terrible housekeeper, the child who is constantly rebellious, the in-laws who won’t quit interfering, the neighbor who destroys the peace and tranquility you deserve at home. Every one of us has such “irregular people” in our life, probably several. We try to reason with them, we pray for change, we beg for relief, but the offense goes on and on and on.
Take the coach potato. Suppose his wife is a hard-working, intelligent person who enjoys conversation, culture, and friends, but none of this is possible for her because as soon as this guy gets home from work he grabs a six-pack and flops down in front of his large screen TV, eventually falling asleep. To make matters worse, when he finally wakes up at 1:00am and drags himself off to bed he suddenly gets romantic! The frustration for that wife is almost unbearable. How does she forgive, over and over and over again?
2. Those who hurt our children. I don’t know about you, but the people I have the hardest time forgiving are not those who hurt me, but those who hurt my family, particularly my children. Early in our years here in St. Louis a teenage neighbor boy purposely shot my 4-year old son with a pellet rifle. This kid sat in his upstairs window and shot at Andy while he was riding his tricycle on the sidewalk. Fortunately it hit him in the foot instead of the head. The projectile raised a nasty welt right through his tennis shoes. I immediately called the police, who did nothing but tell the boy not to shoot the gun out his window anymore. The fact that his father was a well-known judge may have had something to do with the kid-gloves treatment. Ironically, that family began to treat us like the offenders because we called the police.
What is it that makes it so hard to forgive those who hurt our children, whether it be the neighborhood bully, or a child at school who makes cruel remarks, or a coach who plays favorites, or, God forbid, even a molester? I think it’s because our kids are so vulnerable and we recognize from our own experience how long- lasting such hurts can be. We ache for the loss of innocence.
3. Invisible people. Think, for example, about those who invade our lives, sometimes very briefly, hurt us, and then disappear, leaving us only with painful memories. Some of you have experienced falling deeply in love with someone, making a tremendous emotional investment in that person, and then suddenly finding that person pulling away. Perhaps you tried to find out what happened but the other person refused to talk, treating the entire relationship as a bad joke. Your emotions undoubtedly ranged from anger to embarrassment, from deep loneliness to hate. How do you forgive that?
Another kind of invisible offender is the one who hurts us but hides behind the mask of a corporation or government bureaucracy. There was a family in our church here in the early years that was forced to abandon their home and everything they owned in the little town of Times Beach on the Meramec River when it was discovered that a road contractor had poured oil laced with dioxin on the streets. (That was before the days of massive buyouts by the EPA). One of their children had severe medical problems and died because of the dioxin. Tragic!
Some of you have been summarily laid off from work without cause. One writer says,
“Organizations have little grace. They can knock you down, drag you across a bed of nails, throw your remains into the street, and, just before you hit the pavement, hand you a ten dollar plaque with your name on it to show the company’s gratitude. Organizations are amoral; they can leave you bleeding in the street with no breathing human being around to accept the blame: it is all company policy.”
Now obviously that is not the way every company operates. But if you have faced a situation like that, how do you forgive an impersonal, invisible organization?
Still another kind of invisible offender is the one who hurts us and then has the nerve to up and die before any resolution is achieved, before we gain the freedom to forgive them. King David was called upon to forgive just such an invisible person when his son Absalom staged a coup d’etat and then died during the insurrection. I believe the particular pain of trying to forgive someone who has died can be seen in David’s famous lament, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33).
Some of you were abused by parents who are now gone–emotionally, verbally, physically. Those memories are bitter, and the anger you have carried has been devastating. Why is it so hard to forgive them even after they’ve passed away? Well, it’s actually harder because they are out of reach. We can’t crawl on their laps and hear them tell you they are sorry, even if they are. Dead parents are hard to forgive because something in us does not want our departed parents to need forgiving. We would rather blame ourselves than the ones who gave us life. We feel we ought to view our parents as a saintly mother and a noble father, even if they weren’t. A final category I want to mention is this:
4. Those who do not care. Most of us will at some point in our lives come across a person who hurts us intentionally and couldn’t care less. In such a case there is no hope for repentance on that person’s part, but our sense of justice calls out for it. In Luke 17:3-5 we have the following dialogue between Jesus and His apostles: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” The apostles said to the Lord, ‘We need more faith!'” The interesting thing to me about this passage is that, contrary to some other passages, it seems to make repentance a pre-requisite for forgiveness. If he repents (or even if he says, “I repent”) he should be forgiven. But what if he does neither? What if he simply doesn’t care?
Now so far I have only talked about categories of people who are especially hard to forgive. Now I want to share with you …
An amazing real-life example of forgiving the hard to forgive: Joseph forgives his brothers.
We’ve been studying the life of Joseph, the 17-year-old boy who was sold to a caravan of Ishmaelites by his own brothers, then sold again in the slave market to an Egyptian official, then thrown into prison on trumped-up charges. Through a very improbable set of circumstances (and, of course, through the providence of God), he ends up being appointed Prime Minister of Egypt, the greatest nation in ancient times.
A famine subsequently hits the entire Middle East, causing Joseph’s brothers back in Canaan to come to Egypt in search of food. Joseph, in his capacity as chief of food distribution, recognizes his brothers, but they do not recognize him. Over a period of time, involving two trips by the brothers to Egypt to buy food, Joseph subtly explores whether the brothers’ consciences have been awakened. (I wish we had time to tell the story in detail, but you will have to fill in the gaps with your own reading of chapters 42-44). In chapter 45 we have the pathos-filled account of the point where Joseph finally reveals his identity to his brothers. If you are able, will you stand for the reading of God’s Word?
Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it.
Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.
“So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. Now hurry back to my father and say to him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don’t delay. You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.’
“You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that it is really I who am speaking to you. Tell my father about all the honor accorded me in Egypt and about everything you have seen. And bring my father down here quickly.”
Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him.
When the news reached Pharaoh’s palace that Joseph’s brothers had come, Pharaoh and all his officials were pleased. Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Tell your brothers, ‘Do this: Load your animals and return to the land of Canaan, and bring your father and your families back to me. I will give you the best of the land of Egypt and you can enjoy the fat of the land.’ (Skip down to verse 25).
So they went up out of Egypt and came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan. They told him, “Joseph is still alive! In fact, he is ruler of all Egypt.” Jacob was stunned; he did not believe them. But when they told him everything Joseph had said to them, and when he saw the carts Joseph had sent to carry him back, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. And Israel said, “I’m convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die. This is the Word of the Lord.
Can you imagine anyone more difficult to forgive than Joseph’s brothers? Because of them he has suffered exile from his home, years as a slave, years in prison, untold fears, 22 years away from his family. Yet somehow Joseph forgives. I want us to consider four principles that are evident in this amazing account:
1. Forgiveness requires honestly acknowledging that someone has hurt you. (4) The first thing Joseph says to his brothers is, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt!” He doesn’t excuse it. He doesn’t sugarcoat it. He doesn’t justify it because of their father’s favoritism toward him. He tells it like it is. Friends, you cannot forgive what is not wrong. You must name it as sin, as evil, as inexcusable, or it really can’t be forgiven.
A few years ago I was on my way back from Minnesota, where I had been fishing in the boundary waters with my son and grandson. I was driving through Kansas City just north of Olathe when a Highway Patrolman decided to make my acquaintance. I pulled over and got out my driver’s license. He came up to the window and said, “You just crossed four lanes of traffic at one time without signaling.” I acknowledged that I had indeed! He also informed me I was going 71 in a 65 zone, which frankly I didn’t think was that bad! He excused himself and spent an eternity back in his squad car while I stewed about what an expensive trip this already was, because I had flipped a canoe, lost my glasses at the bottom of the lake, ruined my watch in the water, etc.). I also stewed about how cops tend to go after sports cars, as I was still driving my Camaro T-Top that some of you will remember.
Eventually the patrolman came back with a ticket in his hand which listed my sins. Then he spoke those beautiful words, “This is a warning ticket,” and I sighed a deep sigh of relief. Now why didn’t he just say up front that he was just going to warn me? I think it was because it was important to let it sink in that I had committed a serious infraction. Only then was I able to fully appreciate the forgiveness he was offering.
Now I suppose that is a trite illustration of a profound truth, but don’t miss the fact that forgiveness requires honestly acknowledging that a sin has been committed.
2. Forgiveness requires faith in the providence of God. (5, 7, 8, 50:19) In the trials of life, even in the intentional evil that is perpetrated upon us, there is something happening that cannot be observed with human eyes and ears—God is at work! That is a fundamental assumption throughout Scripture, especially in Joseph’s theology. Three times (verse 5, 7, and 8) Joseph says, “God sent me ahead of you.” There is no doubt that his brothers were responsible for the terrible act of betrayal in selling him into slavery. But something else was going on at the same time. Something big. Something that must not be missed.
The first time Joseph says God sent him to Egypt, in verse 5, he gives as the reason that God wanted him to save many lives. (It was Joseph, of course, who stored up the food during the seven years of plenty). I assume he’s referring to the lives of the Egyptians, but also all those in the Middle East who are able to find food during the worldwide famine.
The second time he mentions that it was God who sent him to Egypt he offers an additional reason (verse 7): “to preserve for you, my brothers, a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.” The Jewish nation would owe its existence to Joseph, because it was only after Jacob’s family accepted Joseph’s invitation for them to join him in Egypt that they grew from a family of 70 to a nation of perhaps 2 million by the time of the Exodus.
And then in verse 8 Joseph offers a third reason why God sent him: “He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and the ruler of all Egypt.” As Joseph talks about his own exaltation in Egypt, I don’t think he is on an ego trip. Rather he is saying,
“God removes, but He also restores.
He hurts, but then He helps.
He humbles, but then He exalts.”
Now if you add up those three reasons it is evident that in the betrayal of Joseph God had international intentions, national intentions, and personal intentions for Joseph himself—all at the same time!
But there is an even clearer expression of this theme that “forgiveness requires faith in the providence of God” in the last chapter of Genesis. It is years later and Joseph’s father Jacob has just died. The brothers are once again scared spitless that Joseph will finally turn on them and exact his vengeance. However, in 50:19 Joseph reassures them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” Again he’s honest about the offense (“you intended to harm me.”), but once again he appeals to the providence of God (“God intended it for good.”).
Friends, it is no contradiction to acknowledge that the brothers sinned and are 100% guilty and 100% responsible for their sin, and to affirm that God, at the same time and in the very same incident, is actively bringing about His eternal purposes. In fact, I don’t know how you can ever fully forgive an evil act unless you recognize that God was there, behind the scenes, working to minimize the eternal damage and bring some good out of the situation.
Of course, is this not true to an even more profound extent of the One whom Joseph serves as a divine illustration, namely Jesus Christ? In his great sermon on Pentecost in Acts 2, the Apostle Peter speaks to the Jewish religious leaders and says, “Fellow Israelites, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know. 23 This man was handed over to you by God’s deliberate plan and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross. 24 But God raised him from the dead.” The Jews were guilty of crucifying Jesus (Peter calls them “wicked men”), but God was at work at the same time with His deliberate plan. Thus Jesus could say on the Cross, “Father, forgive them.” Forgiveness requires faith in the providence of God.
3. Forgiveness releases the offender from his obligation to you. (5, 50:19) Joseph says to his brothers, “Do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here” (45:5). And later “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God?” (50:19). Please understand that it is notwithin Joseph’s power or prerogative to absolve these brothers of their guilt or any chastisement that God may want to bring upon them, but he can and does release them from any obligation to himself. Forgiving is an act of the will, resolving to pay the consequences of the offender’s sin ourselves and to not use it against him. Forgiving is allowing God to be the judge.
Sometimes I hear people connect forgiveness with forgetting. “Just forget it and move on,” they say. Frankly, I don’t think that will get you anywhere. Clara Barton was the Civil War nurse who founded the American Red Cross. She was a devout Christian woman known for never carrying grudges. One time a friend reminded her of a cruel accusation someone had made against her years earlier, but Clara seemed not to remember the incident. “Don’t you remember the wrong that was done to you?” the friend asked. “No,” Clara answered calmly. “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” But what Clara Barton was doing was not really forgetting but releasing. I found the following prayer which I think expresses true forgiveness:
Lord, what so-and-so did to me was wrong, and he should pay for what he did. But today I’m releasing him from his obligation to me. Not because he deserves it, or because he has asked for my forgiveness, but because You, God, have released me from the debt I owe You.
4. Forgiveness allows for restoration. (14-15) This is critical, friends. Joseph doesn’t say to the brothers, “I forgive you, but I never want to see your ugly faces again!” Instead he embraces them, kisses them, weeps with them, and most importantly of all–talks with them. I would love to have been in on that conversation! Imagine them filling one another in on what had happened over the previous 22 years!
Now I want to offer a very important caveat here. I purposely said, “forgiveness allows for restoration,” not “forgiveness demands restoration.” Restoration is a two-way street. The offender may not allow it, or the circumstances may not allow it. However, the one who truly forgives opens up at least the possibility of restoration taking place. Elizabeth Elliot forgave the Auca or Quechua Indians who brutally murdered her husband and four other missionaries in 1956 and opened her heart and home to them as they repented. Corrie ten Boom also forgave the Nazis who murdered her family, but she did not seek restoration, because there was no repentance.
Now I want to briefly go back over the categories I mentioned earlier of those who are hard to forgive and try to offer some specific guidance on how to forgive those who have hurt us.
(1). Chronic offenders. It seems to me that Jesus addressed this issue in response to a question from Peter. In Matt. 18:21ff we read, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'” (He thought he was being extremely magnanimous, for the rabbis required only three). “Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Some versions read “seventy times seven”). Even seventy-seven offenses, to say nothing of 490, certainly qualify the person as a chronic offender in my book. But Jesus sets no limit on our need to forgive.
That does not mean, however, that tolerance has no limits. Al Anon and related organizations have done some great work helping people who live with chronic offenders to demonstrate tough love instead of becoming enablers of offensive behavior. It is not a lack of forgiveness
to put sanctions on unacceptable behavior,
to tell an adult child he cannot sleep with his live-in partner in your house,
or even for a wife to move out when she learns about another affair.
(2). Those who hurt our children. Despite the difficulty of forgiving those who hurt our children, I think it is important that we do so, because if we don’t model forgiveness for our children, how will they ever learn it for themselves? If we hold grudges and show hate to those who have hurt them, how can we expect them to respond any differently?
That doesn’t mean we fail to protect them to the extent we are able;
it doesn’t mean we accept the unacceptable;
but we cannot harbor bitterness and not expect it to seep into our entire
family.
(3). Invisible people. How do you forgive a person who is no longer around, perhaps no longer alive? Lewis Smedes offers this advice about forgiving dead parents: 1) Keep in mind that no parent is perfect. Even saintly mothers fail their children at some point. 2) Recognize that your painful feelings are valid. 3) Accept the fact that since reconciliation is impossible, you may have to be satisfied with a healing of memories. And 4) you may need to forgive yourself even as you forgive your dead parents. He writes, “The hurt we get from parents almost always makes us feel guilty or ashamed of ourselves; I have never met a person who hated his father or mother who did not also hate himself.”[i]
(4). Those who do not care. In forgiving those who have hurt us intentionally and have no remorse whatever, it helps to understand that there are two aspects to forgiveness–forgiving in our heart and forgiving verbally. The former is always required; the latter is required only when the offender has repented and asked for forgiveness. The person who hurts us and doesn’t care should be forgiven for Christ’s sake and for our own sake–in order to free us from the pain. But I do not believe we are required to verbalize that forgiveness or to seek reconciliation with such a person.
Finally, . . .
What about the hardest person of all to forgive? Or perhaps I should say, The Two Hardest Persons to Forgive?
I’m thinking first of God Himself. Many people struggle with forgiving God. Of course, He cannot be forgiven in the normal sense of the word because God has never sinned; in fact, He has not even hurt us, except in the sense that a surgeon hurts us for our own long-term benefit. Yet I find that many are angry, even bitter toward God for things He has allowed, for things He hasn’t allowed, for dreams that go unfulfilled, for loneliness that goes unabated, for prayers that go unanswered, for not showing us His face.
Though they are angry with God, or at least disappointed in Him, people are usually afraid to say so out loud. But in their hearts they are saying, “If God could have prevented this pain that seems to have no redeeming value and He chooses not to do so, why shouldn’t I be angry with him?”
Two thoughts: first, the key word in that question is “seems.” Pain and suffering may seem to have no redeeming value from our limited, earthly, temporary perspective, but it may have enormous value from the perspective of eternity. Second, God can handle your disappointment in Him and even your anger. The Psalmist poured out his disappointment with God on many occasions. So did Habakkuk. Listen:
How long, O Lord, must I call for help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrong?
Please notice to whom the prophet poured out these accusations–to God Himself. You can always be honest with Him; He would rather have you accuse Him than ignore Him. He loves you in spite of your anger and disappointment; He cares for you even when He seems most distant.[ii]
There is one other person you may have trouble forgiving—yourself. Friend, God created you and He doesn’t make junk. He redeemed you. He gifted you. He loves you with unconditional love. He will never abandon you. Once you have truly confessed your sin and accepted God’s forgiveness, forgive yourself. Release it. Enjoy the freedom for which Christ set you free. “If therefore, the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed!”
Now I know I haven’t solved all the problems we face in regard to forgiving the hard-to-forgive in your life. I pray I have given you hope that it’s not impossible to find freedom from anger, hatred, bitterness, and revenge.
Conclusion: Friends, is there someone this morning you need to forgive? Will you choose to allow the Holy Spirit to soften your heart and begin the process of forgiving them, for Christ’s sake? In a world where life can be unbearably unfair because of the evil all around us, the only power we have at times to make it better is love’s power to forgive, to heal memories of the past, and then to get on with living life to the fullest.
We can do that because God did it for us. We have all sinned, grievously sinned, but God has poured out his mercy on us and has offered to cancel our sin debt completely by sending Jesus, His one and only Son, to pay our penalty by dying on the Cross.
Prayer. Father, thank you for your full and gracious forgiveness of my sin. I have violated your laws, fallen short of your standards, and failed in so many ways to do what you require and desire from me. Yet you have forgiven me, fully and completely, washing my sins away as far as the east is from the west. You did that through the precious blood of Jesus. How, then, can I refuse to forgive those who have offended me, a fellow-sinner? Lord, grand me the supernatural resources I need in order to forgive.
Tags:
Forgiveness
Chronic offenders
Providence
Restoration
[i] Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget: Healing he Hurts We don’t Deserve, chapter 6.
[ii] I recognize that I have only scratched the surface of this matter of disappointment with God. For a detailed and outstanding treatment of it I encourage you to read the book by Philip Yancey entitled, Disappointment with God.