When Parents Play Favorites
We’re going to focus our attention on one of the great heroes of the OT–Joseph. The philosopher Hegel once observed that if history teaches us anything it is that history teaches us nothing. His point was that we so often fail to learn from the past. But the fact is God put a lot of it in his Word. We naturally gravitate more to the doctrinal, the prophetic, and the practical portions of Scripture, but we also need to pay close attention to the historical narratives. They are there for a purpose.
In 1 Cor. 10, after rehearsing some key events in the history of ancient Israel, the Apostle Paul wrote, “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come.” But OT history was recorded not just for the purpose of warning; it was also written for edification and encouragement. And Joseph is someone from whom we can receive a great deal of encouragement. He is one of only a few Bible characters about whom no overt sin is recorded. He was a sinner, to be sure, but what dominates his story is faithfulness, integrity, responsibility, and forgiveness. While we can learn much from negative examples like the Israelites during the wilderness wanderings, we also desperately need positive examples like Joseph. So I would like to take four vignettes from his life and share them with you this month.
Joseph lived in the 19th century B.C. He was the fourth of the Great Patriarchs of Israel: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph. Four thousand years is a long time ago, but we must resist the notion that Joseph was some kind of prehistoric character with whom we cannot connect. He actually spent most of his life in a culture far more advanced than anything America experienced prior to the 20th century. Egypt in the 19th century B.C. was producing amazing results in science, literature, architecture, engineering, and astronomy. The great pyramids of Gisa had already been standing for at least 700 years when Joseph arrived, and the Sphinx was showing the ravages of time.
Joseph’s life is fascinating for several key reasons. First, there is probably no Bible character whose life more closely parallels the life of Jesus than Joseph. Many have called him a type of Christ, i.e. a divinely painted prophetic portraitbecause there are so many aspects of his life that parallel those of Jesus–he was deeply loved by his father, rejected by his brothers, experienced a sojourn in Egypt, was punished undeservedly, exercised faith in God through the most trying of circumstances, forgave those who betrayed him, remained free of bitterness, was elevated from nowhere to a place of prominence, etc. While we will note some of these parallels to Christ, I think too much emphasis on typology may well cause us to miss the fact that Joseph was a real person in his own right from whom we can learn great life lessons.
And that brings me to the second reason I believe it is well worth our time to study the life of Joseph–he consistently demonstrated amazing character. He was obedient, faithful, courageous, and persevering through incredibly difficult circumstances. Think of the trials you have faced or could possibly face during your lifetime:
A dysfunctional family of origin
Rejection
Betrayal
Isolation
Sexual temptation
Loss of a job for unfair reasons
A monumental task for which you have had no experience.
Joseph experienced all of these, and to an extreme degree. He was a flesh-and-blood saint who wrestled with the worst Satan could throw at him and emerged faithful. That should give us courage to continue.
This morning we are going to focus on the first of the trials Joseph faced–that of being reared in a dysfunctional family. I have often wondered if the term “dysfunctional family” is not a redundancy. Since we are all dysfunctional individuals (the theological term for that is total depravity), there is a sense in which every family suffers from dysfunction. But I’m sure we all would admit that certain families suffer far more than others.
We all recognize, too, that the more dysfunctional a family, the tougher road the children have to walk. In fact, we are inclined to cut some slack to those who grow up in badly broken families and thus experience various kinds of deprivation and abuse. Well, let me tell you something: it would be hard to find a more dysfunctional family than Joseph’s birth family.
Let’s turn in our Bibles to Genesis 37 and read the account of it. I will be reading from the NIV.
Jacob lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan. This is the account of Jacob.
Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives, and he brought their father a bad report about them.
Now Israel (i.e. Jacob) loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.
Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. He said to them, “Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.”
His brothers said to him, “Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.
Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. “Listen,” he said, “I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.”
When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, “What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?” His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.
Now his brothers had gone to graze their father’s flocks near Shechem, and Israel said to Joseph, “As you know, your brothers are grazing the flocks near Shechem. Come, I am going to send you to them.”
“Very well,” he replied.
So he said to him, “Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the flocks, and bring word back to me.” Then he sent him off from the Valley of Hebron.
When Joseph arrived at Shechem, a man found him wandering around in the fields and asked him, “What are you looking for?”
He replied, “I’m looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are grazing their flocks?”
“They have moved on from here,” the man answered. “I heard them say, ‘Let’s go to Dothan.'”
So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.
“Here comes that dreamer!” they said to each other. “Come now, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dreams.”
When Reuben heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. “Let’s not take his life,” he said. “Don’t shed any blood. Throw him into this cistern here in the desert, but don’t lay a hand on him.” Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father.
So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the richly ornamented robe he was wearing–and they took him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it.
As they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt.
Judah said to his brothers, “What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? Come, let’s sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood.” His brothers agreed.
So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt.
When Reuben returned to the cistern and saw that Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes. He went back to his brothers and said, “The boy isn’t there! Where can I turn now?”
Then they got Joseph’s robe, slaughtered a goat and dipped the robe in the blood. They took the ornamented robe back to their father and said,
“We found this. Examine it to see whether it is your son’s robe.”
He recognized it and said, “It is my son’s robe! Some ferocious animal has devoured him. Joseph has surely been torn to pieces.”
Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. “No,” he said, “in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.” So his father wept for him.
Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard. This is the Word of the Lord.
In examining the dysfunction of Joseph’s family, I will not go back to his grandparents and great-grandparents, though that would add a great deal more evidence. I’ll just start with his father Jacob, who deceived his own father and stole his brother Esau’s birthright. The conflict stirred up by that deception forced Jacob to leave his family and go live with his uncle Laban. There he fell in love with his uncle’s daughter, Rachel, but Laban was a greedy scoundrel and required him to work for seven years before he could marry her. Following completion of that long, long probation Jacob entered the tent on his wedding night only to discover that his uncle had substituted his older daughter Leah for Rachel. Surprise!
Jacob had to obligate himself to work seven more years in order to receive the woman he really loved, now as his second wife. Later Jacob added two additional wives, but he made it clear to all of them that Rachel was his favorite. Not surprisingly, this caused considerable jealousy in the home. You know, there are good reasons why polygamy was never part of God’s original design, and jealousy is not the least of them. To make matters worse, the wives were all having children except Rachel, causing tremendous grief for her. Eventually, however, God looked with favor on Rachel and she had a son, who was named Joseph. He was Jacob’s eleventh son, besides several daughters.
Jacob not only played favorites among his wives; he made the same mistake among his children, for Joseph was . . .
Favored by his father (1-3)
Joseph was the apple of his father’s eye and made no effort to conceal it. I want to ask a simple question this morning:“What happens when parents play favorites?” And I will answer my own question by saying, “Nothing good.” Oh, I don’t mean absolutely nothing, because God can bring good out of any situation, but the amount of pain that is produced by parental favoritism is almost incalculable.
This might be the best time to draw your attention to the key verse in the whole account of Joseph’s life. It is his own testimony at the very end of his life where he speaks to his brothers who sold him into slavery decades earlier: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20). There are many harmful things that happen to us–some are intentional, some accidental. God has the amazing power to bring good out of those harmful events, but that doesn’t make the bad things good, nor does it excuse the one who perpetrates the evil, nor does it restore the life that is lost or the reputation that is ruined.
When parents play favorites, it sets into motion terrible twists and turns in the lives of children. The favored child rarely sees that he is being favored but often becomes arrogant and irresponsible. The children who are neglected invariably suffer confusion toward the parent, resentment toward the favored sibling, and poor self-esteem. They invariably ask themselves, “Why doesn’t my mother or my father love me? What have I done to deserve this treatment?”
There is no doubt such dynamics were at play in this home. The text clearly tells us, “Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons.” And it tells us why: “because he had been born to him in his old age” (verse 3). There is undoubtedly a tendency for parents to be more lenient with their youngest child. Sometimes it’s because they see the mistakes they made with their other children and somehow think, “This one is going to be different. I was too harsh with the older children; I will be more cautious in my discipline; I will spend more time with this one.” Furthermore, parents usually have more resources when the youngest child is born and tend to spend those resources more generously on the baby of the family. Joseph’s coat of many colors is evidence that this was going on in this home.
Another probable factor in Jacob’s favoritism toward Joseph is that by the time our story opens Joseph’s mother has died. Rachel died in childbirth at the time she was giving birth to her second son, Benjamin. Joseph was likely 13 or 14 at the time, and Jacob undoubtedly felt great empathy for his teenage son losing his mother at such a critical time of life.
The ultimate effect of Jacob’s favoritism should not surprise us. Joseph is . . .
Hated by his brothers (4)
It states categorically in verse 4, “When his brothers saw that their father loved him (Joseph) more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.” Who is at fault here? Well, certainly the brothers are at fault, for hatred is sin; in fact, the Scriptures make it clear that it can be tantamount to murder. Furthermore, the three oldest sons of Jacob–Reuben, Simeon and Levi–all have criminal records, as recorded back in chapters 34-35, so we should not think of them as simply innocent victims of difficult family dynamics.
Still, I think Jacob is even more guilty than the brothers. Their sin is instigated by his. If he hadn’t shown favoritism the brothers may not have hated. I have seen many families where a parent’s favoritism caused incredible pain and destructiveness. I have seen the wounds in the lives of the child who is neglected. I have seen the resentment created between siblings when children were treated unequally in their parents’ will. And I have seen the resultant hatred break families completely apart.
A close pastor friend of mine back in Kansas shared with me how difficult it was for him when his father left the family farm to his older brother. Because my friend had chosen the ministry and his brother chose to stay on the farm, the parents gave everything to the brother–land, buildings, and equipment. I understand the parents’ desire to preserve the farm, but there are other ways they could have handled their estate and still accomplished the same goal. They could have divided up the land equally and allowed the older son to rent the portion that belonged to his brother. But instead they cheated their younger son and bequeathed inevitable tension between these two brothers and their families.[i]
By the way, there is another reason for the hatred of Joseph’s brothers toward him besides their father’s favoritism. It is mentioned in verse 2: “he brought their father a bad report about them.” Apparently Joseph was helping tend the flocks, and one day he observed his brothers violating some family rule. Perhaps they were drinking on the job or chasing women; whatever it was, Joseph snitched on them. We don’t know enough about the incident to know whether Joseph was justified in doing so, but clearly this fueled the fire of his brothers’ jealousy and anger.
In case you thought things couldn’t get any worse, think again. In verses 5-11 we find that Joseph is . . .
Hated all the more (5-11)
Joseph has two dreams and shares them with his brothers. I don’t know if he is simply naive, or if his father’s favoritism toward him has caused him to lose all perspective toward his brothers. But I have at least some sympathy for his brothers at this point. Though Joseph has no control over the content of these dreams, he is under no obligation to share that content with his brothers! Here’s what he tells them: “Your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it” (verse 7). And then if that weren’t brazen enough, in verse 9 he adds, “I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.”
Even his father rebukes him for his dreams, though Jacob’s anger seems to be stirred because the second dream predicts that even he himself will have to bow down to Joseph. What is clear is that the revelation of these dreams becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It says in verse 8, “They hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.” The combination of parental favoritism and Joseph’s own naive, or at least immature manner of dealing with his dreams brings Jacob’s sons to the point they are willing to betray their own brother.
We really shouldn’t be surprised at this result. James 3:16 tells us that “where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” This story is Exhibit One.
Starting in verse 12 we find that Joseph is . . .
Betrayed and sold (12-35)
The brothers had taken Jacob’s considerable herds to find better pasture near Shechem, about 30 miles north of the family home in Hebron. Such trips could take weeks, so Jacob decides to send Joseph to see if things are OK with the brothers and the flocks, and report back. But when Joseph arrives there, he is told the brothers have moved on to fields near Dothan, about 20 miles north.
The brothers spot Joseph coming toward them (it isn’t hard considering the beautiful colorful coat his father had given him), and before he even arrives they have hatched a plot of betrayal. I can imagine them saying, “Here comes Golden Boy with his fancy coat and his dreams that one day we’ll all bow down to him! Enough is enough! He gave our father one bad report; let’s not let him give another.”
Reuben, the oldest brother and therefore the one with the most to lose (think inheritance!) doesn’t want any blood on his hands, so he suggests they throw Joseph into a cistern. A cistern is an underground storage unit for water, though this one, we are told, is dry. Reuben intends, we are told, to return when his brothers are asleep to rescue Joseph and return him to his father.
But while Reuben is absent for some unknown reason, a caravan of Ishmaelites heading for Egypt happens by. Judah argues that killing Joseph will gain them nothing, and he suggests they sell him to the Ishmaelites instead. And so they do–for 20 pieces of silver. You know, it’s hard not to hear the sound of thirty pieces of silver dropping into Judas’ hands as he asked the chief priests, “What are you willing to give me if I hand (Jesus) over to you?” (Matt. 26:14). I believe the ultimate author, the Holy Spirit, clearly wants us to hear that sound.
Our story doesn’t tell us anything about Joseph’s feelings while all this is going on, but a later passage reflects back on the incident by revealing a private conversation among the brothers many years later. They reminisce in Gen. 42:21: “We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen.” Even those words probably just scratch the surface of the fear and trauma this young man must have experienced.
When Reuben returns he is surprised and fearful to find the cistern empty and learns that Joseph is on his way to Egypt as a slave. But it’s too late, and all of them then, including Reuben, hatch a plan to cover their tracks. They dip Joseph’s coat in animal blood, take it back to their father, and ask him to examine it to see whether it is Joseph’s robe (as if they didn’t know!). They are pleased that he comes to the conclusion that a ferocious animal has killed his son. But they are probably surprised at the degree of his grief for his lost son. He mourns many days. He weeps. He refuses to be comforted by his family. He tells them he will never get over Joseph’s death. He will mourn until he goes to meet him in the grave.
Perhaps the brothers believe they have committed the perfect crime! As long as none of them squeals, no one will ever know. And since they are all guilty, no one will squeal. And there are, thankfully, no DNA tests to distinguish animal blood from human. Well, friends, there is no such thing as a perfect crime. God knows everything that has happened. And even apart from God’s knowledge, the brothers know what they have done and their consciences will never let them forget it. Our chapter ends with Joseph . . .
Sold again into slavery
The last verse reads, “Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard.” Just think about the tragic turn of events for this 17-year-old boy. He has gone from being the favorite son of a very rich father, free of responsibility, free to dream, to being thrown into a pit and threatened with death, sold like a piece of meat to foreigners known for their cruelty, and put on an auction block in the capital of the slave trade. And believe me, being a slave in Egypt was no picnic! Some 900 years later, in Psalm 105:16-19, King David adds further information about what Joseph suffered, revealed to him, I suppose, by the Holy Spirit, or perhaps discovered by him in some ancient historical record:
[God] called down famine on the land
and destroyed all their supplies of food;
and he sent a man before them–Joseph, sold as a slave.
They bruised his feet with shackles,
his neck was put in irons,
till what he foretold came to pass,
till the word of the LORD proved him true.
On top of all that cruelty, Joseph finds himself in a foreign country with strange language, customs, dress, diet, and religion. All at the age 17! Such is the kind of evil parental favoritism can produce. I say “the kind of” because this exact scenario has probably never been duplicated. But others like it have been, and will continue to be–some not so stark in their consequences, others even worse.
Points to Ponder: Having rehearsed the story, I want to offer three challenges for us to consider. The first is directed to parents: I plead with you to renounce favoritism with your children.
Parents, renounce favoritism. I know your children are not all the same. One is undoubtedly more compliant than another. One may be a harder worker than another. One may be more godly than another. One may be more responsible with money than another. One may even be more lovable than another. But don’t play favorites! Make a conscious effort to treat them equally–in respect to the time you offer them, in the love you show them, in the help you extend to them, and even in your wills.
Now I know some of you are saying to yourselves, “But what if one child is totally irresponsible? Are you saying that child should be given the same inheritance as the others?” Yes, or at least they should be given the same opportunity. There are creative ways to encourage responsibility. A parent can decide to give X amount of money to each child who achieves a certain level of education or who stays out of consumer debt or who abstains from drugs. Then they only have themselves to blame if they make other choices.
One can also choose to leave money gradually to a child. For example, he or she can be given 10% of an estate at a certain age, and 10% more every five years thereafter. That way it can’t all be squandered at one time. Or you can skip a generation and leave everything to your grandchildren (by the way, there is some biblical grounds for this–Prov. 13:22 (“quote) , though I don’t think it’s a mandate). But if that’s what you choose, I believe the grandchildren should also be treated equally.
Someone else may be saying, “But what if one child rejects completely the values and the lifestyle we have chosen as a family?” My dear friend Brad Harper, who was my close associate here in St. Louis for 14 years, has experienced just that in his family. Brad and his son Drew have written a book about it—Space at the Table. It’s not an easy book to read, but friends, it’s a phenomenal illustration of how parents can reject favoritism even when a child makes choices the parent cannot condone.
The second primary application I wish to leave is addressed to parents and children:
Break the cycle of dysfunction.
There is no question but that dysfunction in a family is contagious. Some families have terrible dysfunction going back for generations. Joseph’s family’s problems can be traced back at least three generations. But Joseph broke the cycle. He had one wife and two sons–Ephraim and Manasseh, and in the last chapter of Genesis we read this summary of Joseph’s life:
“Joseph stayed in Egypt, along with all his father’s family. He lived a hundred and ten years and saw the third generation of Ephraim’s children. Also the children of Makir son of Manasseh were placed at birth on Joseph’s knees.”
That certainly doesn’t tell us all we’d like to know about Joseph’s parenting, but it hints at something a lot different than Jacob’s.
Friends, we can choose to break the cycle. We can choose to love well. We can choose as Joshua did, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
Finally, an application for all of us:
Remember the One who was greater than Joseph, who was born into a totally dysfunctional family (the human race) but has broken the cycle of sin!
I’m talking about Jesus, of course, the One to whom Joseph ultimately points. He left the glories of heaven to be born into a poor carpenter’s family. He was betrayed, sold, and ultimately killed, but in dying on the Cross He paid the penalty for our sin and provided for our salvation. We do not have to live as victims of our dysfunction (all of which is the result of sin) because God has provided a solution. He offers freedom and the free gift of salvation to anyone and everyone who will turn from their sin and put their faith and trust in Jesus. Thanks be to God! Let’s pray.
Tags:
Dysfuntional family
Favoritism
Hate
Betrayal
[i] Jacob doesn’t learn his lesson about favoritism even after losing his son Joseph. He adopts a new favorite, his youngest son Benjamin. Many years later (some of you know the story well) Jacob refuses Reuben’s request to take Benjamin to Egypt, saying in 42:38: “My son (Benjamin) will not go down there with you; his brother (Joseph) is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in sorrow.” Well, isn’t that sweet for a father to say to his sons about one of their brothers, “He is the only one left”? I suspect they thought to themselves, “Well, what am I, chopped liver?” Are there any doubts about the dysfunctionality of this family?