SERIES: David: A Person After God’s Heart
Caring Enough to Confront
SPEAKER: Michael P. Andrus
Introduction: Suppose you discover that a good friend of yours is addicted to prescription medicine. Or perhaps you learn that someone in your ABF is having an affair. Or maybe a teenager hears that another kid in the youth group is sexually active. What should you do about it? Mind your own business? Spread the information (so others can pray, of course)? Turn them in? Or should you confront them?
One of the most difficult things for most of us to do is to confront another believer about sin in his or her life. Yet the Bible commands us to do this and holds forth great promise for those who do it rightly. No greater example of effective confrontation is found in the Scripture than that exercised by the prophet Nathan after David committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered her husband Uriah, as we saw two weeks ago in 2 Samuel 11. Today I want us to consider what the prophet Nathan did when he learned of David’s sin. Will you stand with me as we read God’s Word from 2 Samuel 11:1-14?
The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.
“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”
David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”
Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’
“This is what the LORD says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’ ”
Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.”
This morning I have chosen to preach a topical sermon on confrontation of sin, using our passage as illustrative material.
Reasons why we don’t confront:
We lack a passion for holiness. Sin doesn’t shock us as it should, or, I think it’s safe to say, as it used to. We tolerate things on TV in our homes that wouldn’t have been allowed in most movie theaters 30 years ago. God’s holiness is not something that causes us to shudder. Instead, we just go with the flow and try to keep our own holiness rating a few points above average. Dallas Willard calls it “the gospel of sin management.”[i]
Contrast that with the attitude of Lot, who lived in ancient Sodom and Gomorrah: 2 Peter 2:7 describes Lot as “a righteous man who was distressed by the filthy lives of lawless men (for that righteous man, living among them day after day, was tormented in his righteous soul by the lawless deeds he saw and heard).” Are we distressed and tormented by the filth all around us, or are we more likely to be voyeurs of the culture or even participants? If the latter, we’re certainly not in a strong position to be confronting sin in other people’s lives.[ii]
We don’t want to be “judgmental.” We have brought into the church the American notion that every man is an island and should be allowed to “do his own thing.” The highest value in our society today is tolerance, and no longer does it mean valuing, respecting, and accepting individuals because they are fellow human beings created in the image of God. Today tolerance means acceptance of every individual’s beliefs, values, lifestyle, and truth claims. This bogus definition keeps us from confronting sin in other people’s lives.
We fear exposure of sin in our own lives. The last thing we want to hear from someone is, “How dare you point your finger at me when you are guilty of such-and such.” When you lack a clear conscience yourself, it’s hard to point a finger at someone else. And it should be! However, we don’t have to be perfect to be able to confront someone else; we just have to keep short accounts with God. And we must speak the truth in love, trusting the Holy Spirit to move with power in the hearts of others.
Because we allow reasons like these to keep us from confronting sin, we have churches where godliness is more often preached than practiced. Biblical church discipline, whether individual or corporate, is virtually a thing of the past in many denominations and churches.
Reasons why we should confront:
Sinners have an enormous capacity to delude themselves. (2 Sam. 11, 12) Confrontation wouldn’t be necessary if people were willing to face sin in their own lives. But most of us are such master rationalizers that we delude ourselves into thinking that we’re not really in trouble. Even when we recognize that we have blown it, we often try David’s solution–self-treatment. Remember that he tried deception, entrapment, even murder, and he continued to delude himself until well after Bathsheba’s baby was born. If David had not been confronted, he would undoubtedly have continued in his self-delusion.
Unconfessed sin is a cancer in the sinner’s life and in the family of God. (Psalm 32:1-4, Joshua 7:13) The absolute worst thing that one can do with cancer is to ignore it, because it almost always spreads. And sin is like cancer. There are two Psalms in which David talks in detail about what happened to him when he hid his sin with Bathsheba–Psalm 32 and Psalm 51. We’re going to focus our attention next Sunday on Psalm 51, but today I want to refer to just a few verses from Psalm 32:1-4:
“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”
Ever experienced what David is talking about here? I have.
It’s bad enough that hidden sin harms the individual, but it also impacts the family of God. Perhaps you recall the sin of Achan, which caused the Israelites to lose a strategic battle against the little city of Ai. When God revealed to Joshua that the reason for the defeat was sin in the camp, he gathered the whole nation together and told them, “You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it.” (Joshua 7:13). Imagine the pain that is being endured by the whole congregation of Christ Lutheran Church in Park City because of the sin that has been exposed in one of its leaders—BTK!
But before we get too self-righteous here, let me take just a minute to read a couple of paragraphs from an email I received this week from someone in our congregation. He was ruminating about the BTK murder case and writes,
“My fear is that we will recoil in horror at BTK, talk amongst ourselves about how glad we are that such an evil man is caught, and be thankful that we are not like that ‘sinner over there.’ Rather than repenting of our own sin, we will secretly take pride in our own virtue. At least I don’t kill people. At least I don’t beat my wife or rape others. But even if I haven’t killed anyone, didn’t someone once say, ‘But I say to you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment?’ Why shouldn’t I awaken someday to have the Eagle headline read, ‘Wichita man found guilty of greed.’ Or, ‘Kansas woman secretly grumbles and complains.’ Or ‘Local doctor admits to selfish ambition: family takes back seat.’”
The point, friends, is that unconfessed sin of any kind can be a cancer in the sinner’s life and in the family of God.
But unconfessed sin causes something worse than harming the individual or impacting the family of God.
Unconfessed sin brings disrepute on the name of the Lord. (2 Sam. 12:14) This is what Nathan says to David, “By doing this you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt.” Rarely do we realize the full extent of the damage that can be done to the cause of Christ by our sin. Immorality in the lives of Christians is a golden opportunity for the enemies of God to be confirmed in their worst suspicions, and believe me, they will make the most of it! They believe we are a bunch of hypocrites anyway, and when they see our sin, they say, “There you are! What did we tell you!”
At the height of the TV preacher scandals a Ziggy cartoon shows Ziggy walking by a church, and on the marquis out front in bold letters is this message: “Our Pastor Has Never Been on Television!” Countless jokes and ridicule that have been directed at the Christian church because of sin that was allowed to go unconfronted in the lives of well-known ministers.
Confrontation is clearly our responsibility as shown both by specific commandments and by biblical examples. Let me quote just a few of many passages in the Bible that speak of our responsibility to confront sin in the church.
Lev. 19:17: “Rebuke your neighbor frankly so that you will not share in his guilt.”
Prov. 24:11, 12: “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”
Prov. 27:5, 6: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Matt. 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
Galatians 6:1ff: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
2 Thes. 3:14-15: “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him. Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard him as an enemy but warn him as a brother.”
Now although these verses clearly endorse constructive confrontation, they are not a license to be a busybody or to consider oneself God’s watchdog for the church. In fact, anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably disqualified from doing so. Such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which cripple our ability to minister effectively to others.
Not only are we challenged to confront by specific command, but also by countless examples in the Scriptures. Nathan’s example we have already read, but he is by no means unique in the Scriptures. I think of the unnamed prophet of 1 Kings 20 and his confrontation with King Ahab after Ahab clearly disobeyed the Lord in setting King Ben-Hadad free in exchange for economic benefits. I will read beginning in 1 Kings 20:38:
The prophet went and stood by the road waiting for the king. He disguised himself with his headband down over his eyes. As the king passed by, the prophet called out to him, “Your servant went into the thick of the battle, and someone came to me with a captive and said, ‘Guard this man. If he is missing, it will be your life for his life, or you must pay a talent of silver.’ While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared.”
“That is your sentence,” the king of Israel said. “You have pronounced it yourself.”
Then the prophet quickly removed the headband from his eyes, and the king of Israel recognized him as one of the prophets. He said to the king, “This is what the LORD says: ‘You have set free a man I had determined should die. Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people.’ ” Sullen and angry, the king of Israel went to his palace in Samaria.
But fearless confrontation is not confined to OT prophets–we see it also in the NT. Look at Acts 23:1-5 where Paul is on trial before the Sanhedrin:
Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, “My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day.” At this the high priest Ananias ordered those standing near Paul to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him, “God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! You sit there to judge me according to the Law, yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck!”
Or consider Galatians 2:11-14: Here we find Paul speaking of the time when he had to confront Peter, the leader of the Twelve Apostles:
“When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, ‘You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?”
These three examples show men of God confronting the king of Israel, the high priest, and the leader of the Twelve Apostles. When put together with the specific commands we looked at a few moments ago, they make a very strong case for confronting sin in the church.
Now it’s time to get very practical. It’s one thing to know we should do something, but quite another to know how to do it. Confrontation doesn’t always succeed, but we have a lot better opportunity if we do it right. I want to share seven steps or pre-requisites to biblical confrontation.
Prerequisites for confrontation
Make sure your facts, perspective, and attitude are correct. (Acts 23:5) I return briefly here to the story of Paul before the Sanhedrin. Remember how the high priest orders him to be struck on the mouth after sharing his testimony and Paul lashes out at him calling him a white-washed wall? But the next verse tells us that when those standing around ask, “Do you dare to insult God’s high priest?” Paul responds, “Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written: ‘Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people.'” No matter how evil a government official may be, there is a certain respect that the office, if not the person, deserves. Paul didn’t have his facts straight in that confrontation.
How many times we are prone to confront people when we don’t have all the facts! Sometimes if we’ll do a little investigating or try to understand the special circumstances that person is coming from, we will either change our minds or at least confront them with a different, more compassionate attitude. And the person will be much more likely to respond well if we have given them the benefit of the doubt. Nathan, of course, had his facts straight because presumably God told him what David had done.
Make sure you’re the right person to do it. (Gal. 6:1) You see, not everyone is in a strong position to confront sin. Gal. 6:1 says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” Why should those who are spiritually mature in the faith be mentioned as the ones to do the confronting? Well, because people who deal with sin and ungodliness must have a tremendous sense of the spiritual issues involved and must be genuinely humble before the Lord. Galatians 6:2 goes on to indicate that if we confront someone about sin in his or her life, we have to be conscious of the fact that we are equally susceptible to the same evil ourselves.
Perhaps someone is saying to himself, “I’m sure glad for Gal. 6:1, which says that confrontation is for the one who is spiritual, because that leaves me out. I don’t have to do it because I’m not spiritual.” But surely the only appropriate response if that is true is to get spiritual. There’s no excuse for a Christian who is immature to be satisfied with his immaturity. Again, we see that in the David story Nathan is the right person because God sent him to speak to David.
Choose the right time. (2 Sam. 12:1) How do you know when the time is right? Well, I would say it is rarely wise to confront someone immediately upon hearing about a sin in his life. Sometimes it will take time to learn the facts. Seeking a proper setting may also take time. I once had a man confront me with a perceived offense immediately before I went into the service to preach. It not only played havoc with my own heart; it probably also ruined the effectiveness of the sermon for a whole church.
I don’t know how God determined the time for Nathan’s confrontation with David. A lot of time had passed between the sin and the confrontation–apparently a little over nine months. Maybe God knew that David simply wouldn’t have been open before then. Prayer certainly plays a major role in choosing the right time to confront someone. But don’t wait too long–he may hurt someone else or ruin his own life irretrievably.
Choose wise words. (2 Sam. 12:1-7) Every one of us has been rebuked by someone in a way that made us angry, with the result that we refused to listen. Perhaps the person was correct, but we were so hurt by the way they approached us that we couldn’t accept their words.
In contrast Nathan uses incredible wisdom when he confronts David. Conscious that a frontal assault might well produce a negative reaction, he chose instead to say, “Let me tell you a story.” Of course, everyone loves stories and David was no exception. He relaxed as his friend Nathan asked, “Did you hear the one about the man who only had one little lamb?” “No, tell it to me.” So Nathan did. And David reacted to the story with righteous indignation because of the gross injustice of the rich man. In fact, he boiled with anger. “The man who did this will die, and will repay four times!”
Nathan has set the stage and even has David agreeing with him about the evil that was done in the story before he ever applies the parable. And then with tremendous candor and courage, Nathan drives it home, “David, you are that man.”
When we confront people, we must touch that tender spot deep down in their hearts. We must remind them of their debt to God’s grace, as Nathan does, quoting the Lord, “I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your keeping, and gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if that had been too little, I also would have given you much more!” (verses 7-8).
But Nathan’s wise words go even further. He also stresses the true essence of sin. Too often people view sin as just bad choices with bad consequences. But Nathan points out that there is something much more profound about our sinfulness when he asks in verse 9, “Why have you despised the commandment of the Lord, to do evil in His sight?” The Lord repeats the same truth in the next verse, “You have despised Me.” That’s the real essence of willful sin–we despise the Word of the Lord because, though we know what God wants, we deliberately choose to do something else. It is out-and-out rebellion. That’s what Nathan confronts in David.
Exercise fearless courage. (1 Kings 22:14) Confrontation is not easy for most of us, and it takes a great deal of courage. In fact, I don’t know anything in the ministry that’s harder. I have been in virtual all-night sessions facing people with sin and pleading with them to own up to it and repent. There is nothing more exhausting. Some of God’s prophets, including Nathan, had to face the possibility, perhaps even the probability, of imprisonment and death. This is not a job for wimps or cowards.
Speak the truth in love and have restoration as your goal. (Luke 17:3; 2 Cor. 2:5-7; Heb. 12:12-13) Nathan is not out to destroy David. In fact, his speech is dripping with care and concern; he tells him, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.” And Nathan is still there at his side at the end of David’s life (see 1 Kings 1).
Luke 17:3 says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” One is as important as the other. Another passage that deals with restoration is 2 Cor. 2:5-7, which I believe is the continuation of the story of the gross sinner of 1 Corinthians 5. You will perhaps remember that there was a man in the Corinthian church who had been sleeping openly with his stepmother, and Paul rebukes the church severely for not disciplining and excommunicating him.
But in 2 Cor. 2 it appears the man has repented. Whereas earlier the church had failed to discipline, they are now making the equally grievous error of failing to forgive. Paul says, “The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.” Then he gives the reason for his exhortation a few verses later: “in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” You see, Satan doesn’t care whether we refuse to confront sin or confront it so harshly that we destroy the sinner–either way he’s the winner.
7. Get help if you need it. (Matt. 18:16) There is a process that is very important to follow when confronting another person. Generally, we are to go personally and directly to a brother or sister when we learn of sin in his or her life. But sometimes they will stonewall us or meet our efforts to help with denial or even hostility. The natural reaction is to say, “Well, I did my part. He can’t blame me if he ruins his life.” It’s a little early to quit. Matt. 18:16 says, “If he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” In other words, get help if you need it–not from a gossip on the phone, but from spiritual people who can help.
Potential results when we confront
There is always the risk of rejection or worse. (1 Kings 22:26-27) There’s no question but that confronting a person with sin in his life is risky business. He may reject you, even if you have been a life-long friend. He may even turn on you and try to destroy your reputation. Many who have revealed scandal in business and government have paid for it by being blackballed or worse. Some of the prophets were murdered because they confronted sin in the lives of governmental and religious leaders, the most notable being John the Baptizer. That was certainly a possible result for Nathan. Then why should we risk it?
We have the potential of rescuing someone from destruction. (James 5:19-20) The profound and practical book of James ends with these words, “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death.” The death may be spiritual death; it may be physical death; it may be the death of his marriage or health or emotional stability. But confrontation is tantamount to a rescue mission.
And we may prevent a worse tragedy. (James 5:20) James 5:20 goes on to say, “Remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” The implication is that sinners are known to repeat their terrible mistakes. Had not Nathan confronted David, there may have been more Bathshebas and more Uriahs. But when we follow the steps to prevention, a horrible evil can be transformed by the Holy Spirit into something that results in hope and joy to the family of God.
Conclusion: Friends, God has called us to confront one another when sin has gotten a foothold. Do we care enough to do it? Are we willing to take the risk and pay the price to salvage our brothers and sisters and the church and the good name of our God?
May I close with this observation? The most important sin to confront anyone with is the sin of unbelief. John 3:36 says, “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.” Talk about the evil consequences of sin–there is nothing worse than having the wrath of God remain on a person. And it’s so unnecessary, for it they put their faith and trust in the Lord Jesus, they can find forgiveness and receive eternal life. May God help us to take our responsibility to care enough to confront–not just our brothers and sisters in Christ who are living in sin but also those who are unbelievers and are facing a Christless eternity.
DATE: March 6, 2005
Tags:
Confrontation
Judging
Restoration
[i] Dallas Willard, from an interview with Mike Yaconelli, The Door Magazine, May/June 1993.
[ii] I remember reading a Dear Abby column in which she was responding to a letter from a 22-year-old girl who went too far, but not quite all the way, with a guy on a high school band trip but now was getting married to someone else. She wrote, “I feel guilty getting married to a man who thinks I’m 100 percent pure, when I may not be. Should I tell him?” And Abby responded, “Don’t volunteer any confessions—99 percent pure is pure enough.” Without debating her advice to not volunteer confessions, I am troubled that many Christians share Abigail Van Buren’s view that 99% pure is pure enough. In fact, for many 75% pure is enough, or even 51% pure.