SERIES: Leadership in Hard Times
Every Leader Needs a Friend
SPEAKER: Michael P. Andrus
Introduction: I used to play a little game with my son Andy when he was just a toddler. I would set him on my lap and ask, “Andy, who’s your best friend in the whole world?” If he was in an ornery mood, which was almost always, he would say, “Mommy,” at which I feign great displeasure and tickle him until he changed his answer to “Daddy.” At times He would try to get my goat by promising not to say “Mommy,” but then instead he would answer with the name of a Sesame Street character or a schoolmate or even C. K., our 13-year-old cat.
For a little boy and his dad it was a game, but perhaps we ought to get serious about answering that question today, “Who’s my best friend?” It’s tragic, but there are probably many people who would have to answer with the name of an animal. Undoubtedly some would be tempted to answer the question by saying, “I have lots of friends; it’s hard to pick out one above all the others.” But if that’s our answer, the truth is likely that we have no deep friends, only a lot of surface acquaintances.
There’s an interesting observation made in Proverbs 18:24: “A man of many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” The writer is describing the man who is surrounded by many casual friends and acquaintances, but in a time of crisis he goes to pieces because there is no one he can depend on unconditionally. His friendships are broad but not deep.
Do you have at least one person outside your immediate family whom you can call on, day or night, in time of stress? Do you have anyone you can drop in on unannounced and without apology? Do you have someone you would consider taking on a vacation with your family? If the answer is “no,” then you probably have no deep friends.
Interestingly, nearly every great leader in Scripture had great friends. Moses had Aaron and Joshua; Joshua had Caleb; Elijah had Elisha; Jesus had Peter, James and John; and Paul had Barnabas, Silas, and Timothy. But nowhere in the Scripture is there a more beautiful example of the beauty and value of human friendship than that of Jonathan and David. Our journey through 1 Samuel brings us today to the section from chapters 18-23. But before examining our text I want to talk a little about friendship in general terms.
Why everyone needs a friend
The songwriter of several decades ago told us that “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” The truth is they are the only kind of people in the world. Unfortunately, only some people know they need people, but all people do. God’s first recorded statement about the epitome of His creation was, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). He made us for relationships, for friendships, for companionship. So, why do we all need friends?
Loneliness is a pervasive and debilitating problem in our society. The church planting pastor of one of our daughter churches in St. Louis was sharing with me about a new member interview the Elders in his church were conducting. The young couple was asked, after sharing their testimonies, “What do you expect out of joining the church? What do you want for yourself?” And without hesitation the man responded, “I want a friend. I haven’t had one since I left college over ten years ago.” Frankly, that man is not unique.
The world is filled with lonely people, and, contrary to what you might think, some of the most successful and well-known people are the loneliest. Chuck Swindoll wrote a fascinating little booklet about the pervasive loneliness in the top echelons of the business world. He called it, “The Lonely Whine of the Top Dog.” Then there is the terrible loneliness of those who have suffered divorce, and the children in those homes. And in addition, there are many ordinary Christians who, though reasonably involved members of a local church and surrounded by people they know, are still without genuinely close friends.
Some observers have called loneliness the most pervasive and important problem of the 20th century. It is hard to dispute the conclusion of the American novelist, Thomas Wolfe: “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”[i] My only objection to Wolfe is that it is not inevitable. But I have little doubt there are many very lonely people here this morning.
The accountability that friends provide is desperately needed. No man is an island, and those who try to be, are in for a rude awakening. We need each other because the world, the flesh and the Devil all have us at a great disadvantage when we are by ourselves. But when we are with someone else there is strength. The book of Ecclesiastes puts it this way: “Two are better than one. If one falls down, his friend can help him up, but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Eccl. 4:9-10). A good friend can challenge us about our walk with Christ, about our personal discipline, about how we are dealing with temptation, to say nothing of helping us pick ourselves up if we fall.
Perspective and balance are virtually impossible without friends. Friendless people are often psychologically and emotionally troubled. Reality looks different to them because they don’t have anyone who is able and willing to be totally honest with them. Adolph Hitler is a case in point. One of his closest associates was Albert Speer, who served as his Minister of Supply and whose productive genius was responsible for harnessing the power of German industry for the war effort. In his book, Inside the Third Reich, Speer paints a tragic portrait of Hitler:
“I suppose if Adolph Hitler ever had a friend, I would have been that friend. Hitler could fascinate. He wallowed in his own charisma, but he could not respond to friendship. Instinctively, he repelled it. The normal sympathies that normal men and women enjoy were just not in him. At the core of the place where his heart should be, Hitler was a hollow man. He was empty. We, who were close to him or thought we were, all came to sense this, however slowly. You couldn’t even enjoy eating cherries with him. We were all of us simply projections of his gigantic ego.” [ii]
King Saul was another case in point, as we noted last Sunday. Not having friends, his sense of balance and his perspective on reality became totally distorted. But if friends are so important, why do so many people lack them?
Why many people lack friends
It would be wrong for me to stand here and tell you that all of us are on equal footing in the quest for friends. You and I both know that some people make friends a lot more easily than others. Some people have never met a stranger; they seem to instantly connect with everyone around them. But the fact of the matter is, most friendless people are not friendless because of their personality, or heredity, or looks (all things that are largely beyond their control) but rather because of their behavior. In other words, we make choices that determine whether we will have friends. I want to identify four factors that contribute to friendlessness and therefore loneliness.
Insecurity prevents friends. Insecure people have a terrible time developing relationships. The reason is that, lacking a strong sense of self-love, they doubt that anyone else can really love them either. Out of fear of rejection they refuse to be transparent and vulnerable. They lack the freedom to reach out to others because so much of their attention is focused on protecting themselves. The only effective solution to this barrier to friendship is found in a personal relationship with the triune God and an understanding of our worth and dignity in Him. He created us, He loved us, He gifted us, and he values us. That knowledge, once internalized, frees us up to love others.
Possessiveness chokes off friends. Some people have such a desperate psychological need for friends that when someone reaches out to them, they can’t seem to help smothering that person. They fail to see that even friends need space. And when the person asks for space the possessive person misinterprets it as rejection, and the friendship begins to deteriorate. In a healthy friendship the phone calls don’t always come from the same person, the expressions of care and concern aren’t always initiated by the same person, and transparency is not always one-sided. Certainly, there are times when it’s difficult to know whether to pursue a reluctant friend or back off completely. But no friendship is helped by possessiveness.
Negativism discourages friends. Have you ever had a friend, probably a former friend, who was constantly negative about everything–always complaining, always criticizing, and never satisfied? It’s tough to be around such a person, for even if you really love the person, the burden of their negativism eventually gets to you.
Some time ago a family came from another church and asked me to visit them in their home. The first thing they said is that they had found our church very friendly, which they needed because they hadn’t had any friends at their previous church, where they had attended for many years. I hadn’t been there 20 minutes when I began to realize, at least in part, why this couple was so friendless. They poured out complaint after complaint about their previous church, the pastor, the minister of music, and everyone else that came to mind. And during the time they attended our church I do not recall a single conversation with them in which they weren’t complaining about someone or some circumstance or each other. It got to the point that I hesitated to even say, “Hello, how are you?” because I didn’t want the dump truck to go into operation. They were so discouraging to be around that only the most merciful of people would have them as friends. They eventually left because our extremely friendly church turned out not to be as friendly as they first thought.
Selfishness alienates friends. Unfortunately, there are a great many people who seek out friends solely because of needs in their own life rather than to meet needs in the friend’s life. And, of course, the repercussions of such an attitude on friendship is as bad as its repercussions on marriage. Show me a marriage where the principal goal of the partners is to have their personal needs met and I’ll show you a marriage that is in deep trouble. A friend used is a friend lost. But there is a difference between using a friend for selfish purposes and calling upon a friend in a time of need. The former is deadly; the latter, as we’ll see later, is the very essence of friendship.
There is an extreme form of selfishness that is particularly deadly on friendship, and that is narcissism–a total self-focus in life. I know a man who is always right. His whole philosophy of life can be summed up in one statement: my way or the highway. And he’s always had enough money and enough power that he could do it his way. But now he is a very old man, and he doesn’t have one single friend. When he had life-threatening surgery recently, no one aside from his family came to see him–no neighbor, no fellow-veterans, no business associates. It’s sad.
Insecurity, possessiveness, negativism, selfishness, narcissism–do any of these characterize your relationships? If so, it may be the reason you lack friends or that your friendships are short-lived.
Quickly I want to move to my principal concern this morning and the issue which is illustrated so clearly in our story from 1 Samuel. We will be reading some segments from chapter 18 through chapter 23:
(18:1-4) After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father’s house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.
(19:1-7) Saul told his son Jonathan and all the attendants to kill David. But Jonathan was very fond of David and warned him, “My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. I will go out and stand with my father in the field where you are. I’ll speak to him about you and will tell you what I find out.”
Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, “Let not the king do wrong to his servant David; he has not wronged you, and what he has done has benefitted you greatly. He took his life in his hands when he killed the Philistine. The LORD won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad. Why then would you do wrong to an innocent man like David by killing him for no reason?”
Saul listened to Jonathan and took this oath: “As surely as the LORD lives, David will not be put to death.”
So Jonathan called David and told him the whole conversation. He brought him to Saul, and David was with Saul as before.
(20:1-4) Then David fled from Naioth at Ramah and went to Jonathan and asked, “What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?”
“Never!” Jonathan replied. “You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It’s not so!”
But David took an oath and said, “Your father knows very well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said to himself, ‘Jonathan must not know this or he will be grieved.’ Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death.”
Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”
(20:12-17) Then Jonathan said to David: “By the LORD, the God of Israel, I will surely sound out my father by this time the day after tomorrow! If he is favorably disposed toward you, will I not send you word and let you know? But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely. May the LORD be with you as he has been with my father. But show me unfailing kindness like that of the LORD as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family–not even when the LORD has cut off every one of David’s enemies from the face of the earth.”
So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the LORD call David’s enemies to account.” And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.
20:41, 42) After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together–but David wept the most.
Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’ ” Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.
(23:15-18) While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.
How to find and keep friends
Actually, there may be something wrong with that statement, for most worthwhile friendships are not simply “found.” They are built, and the quality of the building materials we use will determine the quality of those friendships. I want to share with you eight key factors, building blocks if you will, that enabled Jonathan and David to become best friends.
Mutual attraction based upon common interests. In most cases a friendship begins with some mutual attraction based upon common interests. Jonathan’s friendship with David seems to have had its genesis in the fact that both were valiant warriors, athletic, courageous, go-for-broke individuals. David has just slain the giant, Goliath. Jonathan too is a brave warrior. In chapter 14 we saw the incredible incident when he secretly, and with only his armor-bearer aiding him, attacked an entire garrison of Philistines and defeated them. Now he has found in David, the giant killer, a young man of like-mindedness, someone willing to tackle the impossible.
The simple practical lesson we can gain from this is that we should look for friends in the right places, where those who have common interests with us congregate. That seems like a no-brainer, but I’m amazed how many lonely people never seem to grasp it. They’re lonely, so they stay home alone. How does that solve anything? One of the valuable aspects of a church this size is that we can have fellowship groups for people with common interests–international students, artists, musicians, retired people who like to take field trips, women who enjoy crafts. Just last Tuesday evening the church was full of crafty women at the Women’s Fair. And there are scores of other groups in a community like Wichita where people can develop healthy relationships with those who have common interests.
Spiritual connection. Chapter 18 opens with these words: “After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David and he loved him as himself.” The phrase “became one in spirit” literally reads “their souls were knit together.” At the deepest level of their lives these two were spiritually unified. They held in common the knowledge that anything can be accomplished if God is in it.
Would that more young people would seek their friends, and especially their life partner, based on spiritual connection rather than just mutual attraction, for when two individuals build a friendship based on the fact that both are committed to serving God faithfully in their generation, there is almost no limit to the fulfillment that relationship can bring. And it will carry them through even the most trying of circumstances.
Lately I have heard story after story of Christian parents who have seen their children fall in love with someone who does not share their faith. One of my dear pastor friends who serves a Free Church in Utah was grieved beyond description when his own son married a Mormon girl. Just this week Andy learned that one of his best friends who grew up in our church in St. Louis has fallen in love with an atheist. Every situation is probably unique, so I don’t want to be too simplistic, but it seems to me there are two things we must do as parents: (1) make sure our own children are well grounded in the faith, and (2) impress upon them how important it is to build their deepest friendships with those who share that faith. Evangelistic dating is not allowable Scripturally. Even if all that is done, of course, our children have their own wills and some of them will make tragic choices. When that happens, we must lean on our friends for support and strength.
Acceptance despite differences (14:1, 18:23). Generally, there need to be some common interests and a spiritual connection to build a solid friendship, but there can also be significant differences. We need to celebrate those differences, or at least learn to accept them. Jonathan was a king’s son, reared in the limelight. David, on the other hand, was a shepherd boy, used to the quiet of the wilderness. He described himself in 18:23 as “a poor man and little known.” These significant differences were not allowed to sandbag the relationship. In fact, differences can greatly enhance a relationship.
One of the most unlikely friendships of all time was Paul and Barnabas. They were so different that they couldn’t even continue to work together, but they remained loyal friends because they could accept and respect one another.
Commitment that leads to unfailing loyalty. One of the unique things about Jonathan’s and David’s relationship that is missing from most friendships today is the verbal commitment that accompanied it. We tend to just assume our friends know we are committed to them, and we sometimes we feel a little odd about verbalizing it–especially men.
But on at least three occasions David and Jonathan made specific commitments of love and loyalty to one another. Notice the first one in 18:3: “And Jonathan made a covenant.” The reason we know this was not just a private thing in Jonathan’s heart is that it was accompanied by action: He “took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” This wasn’t because David had nothing to wear and nothing to fight with; rather it was a symbolic gesture that meant they were from now on committed to each other.
On numerous other occasions these two men reaffirmed their initial covenant, expanding it even to their children and promising to make it permanent. For example, in 20:42 we read, “Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'”
The significance of all this talk about verbal covenants is that implied covenants are easily broken; verbal, public ones are more difficult. I don’t want to get too sentimental, but I don’t think it’s out of place to tell a best friend that they are a best friend and to verbalize what that means to us. If it means we will do anything in our power to help them in a time of trouble, then we should say so. Maybe even put it in writing. Gary Jost was the founder of our church in St. Louis. He died about six years later of a brain tumor at age 51, but he left a legacy of friendship that I’m not sure I will ever see matched. He was totally committed to his friends and told them so. I even saw him cover one friend’s salary when he was out of work!
Generosity, especially regarding time and availability. Jonathan’s gift of his clothes and weapons at the beginning of chapter 18 may be an example of generosity of resources and material things. Far more meaningful, however, in building lasting friendships (but far more difficult, as well) is generosity with time. Every one of us, without exception, has a limited amount of time. We cannot even get everything done we have to do, much less all the things we would like to do.
But the real test of friendship, it seems to me, is whether we will drop whatever we’re doing when a real friend has a critical need. That’s the kind of friend Jonathan was to David. Whenever David needed him, Jonathan was available. Convenience was not a factor; danger was not a factor; expense was not a factor. If his friend needed him, he was there. As Proverbs 17:17 puts it, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Obviously, one cannot have very many friends like that. One or two or at the most three is probably all most of us can handle. The tragedy is that so many have none.
I have known a few friends like that. About seven years ago I faced a crisis in my life. My best friend ever, Brad Harper, was pastoring one of our daughter churches in St. Louis. One of my elders called Brad and told him about the situation, and Brad immediately came over and spent several hours with me–putting his arms around me, praying with me, helping me through that very dark day. I later found out that he was just getting ready to leave town with his wife on a much-needed weekend out of town. Their baby-sitter was already at the house. But Brad came because he was a true friend.
Edification, including affirmation and praise. Jonathan was not only attracted to David, accepting of him, committed to him, and generous with him. He also realized that it was his responsibility to build him up–spiritually and in every other way.
A question is appropriate here: do your closest relationships build you up or tear you down? Or let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Are your friends better off or worse off because they are your friends? There is no doubt that David was edified by this friendship with Jonathan. I am especially encouraged by a statement in chapter 23:16,17: “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.” What an epitaph for a friend! “He helped him find strength in God.” How did he do that? Well, Jonathan helped David find strength (1) by reminding him of the fact that God, who anointed him King in the first place, would fulfill His purposes perfectly in His timing. (2) He encouraged him to take the long view rather than the short view. (3) He inspired him with his confidence in the Lord. The Psalms written by David reveal how successful Jonathan was in helping David become a God-centered man.
But Jonathan realized that helping a person find strength in God is not the only way to edify someone; you can also build him up through affirmation and praise. In 23:17 he said to David, “You will be king over Israel and I will be second to you.” Sounds like a pretty hard statement for an heir-apparent to make, doesn’t it? The great Russian novelist Dostoevsky once wrote, “To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be.”[iii] That’s exactly how Jonathan viewed David. How well do we do at seeing our friends as God intended them to be, and then building them up in that direction?
Transparency and unfailing honesty. There is only one argument recorded between Jonathan and David, and the incident is very instructive, for there are times in every friendship when disagreements will arise. These two men could argue openly without it threatening their friendship. Notice their disagreement as discussed at the beginning of chapter 20: David says, “How have I wronged your father that he is trying to take my life?” And Jonathan’s response is, “Never! You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It’s not so!” But David insisted that his perception was accurate, and Jonathan responds in verse 9: “Never! If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn’t I tell you?”
Eventually they worked out a plan to solve the dispute, and it turned out that David was right and Jonathan wrong. But the key point is they could disagree and remain friends because they were transparent and totally honest with one another. They were arguing ideas, neither impugning motives nor assassinating one another’s character. How do we do at resolving differences with our friends? Are we willing to hang in there and wrestle until an issue is resolved, or do we bail when the tension starts to rise?
Vulnerability. David and Jonathan could share their innermost feelings with one another. Guys, don’t check out now. Look at verse 41 of chapter 20: “After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together–but David wept the most.” Real men don’t cry today. Real men don’t need other people. But godly men do. Listen to the words of George Eliot on the beauty of vulnerability in a relationship:
“Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” [iv]
Undoubtedly there are some of you who have had deep friendships but have lost those friends–perhaps a spouse has died, or a dear friend has passed on, or maybe even a trusted friend has betrayed you. Your profound grief is the proof that you loved well. Remember the famous words of Alfred Lord Tennyson: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Whatever you do, don’t cash in; don’t give up. You may not be able to regain that friend, but you can build another friendship.
Conclusion: In conclusion this morning I would like to suggest this thought: Very few of us will ever be a David. Very few of us will ever lead a nation or write great poetry or be known by everyone as “a person after God’s own heart.” But each one of us can be a Jonathan. His greatest claim to fame is that he befriended another believer. There is little doubt in my mind that David would never have succeeded as he did, had it not been for Jonathan’s friendship in those early formative years. If we are committed to being a Jonathan in another’s life, we can have an impact for God that only eternity can measure.
Would you pray today that you might find a David somewhere to whom you could be a Jonathan. Ask the Holy Spirit to make you a friend like that, to cultivate in your life an attitude of acceptance, commitment, loyalty, generosity, availability, edification, transparency and vulnerability so that you can develop at least one, maybe even two or three, steadfast friendships.
One final thought, if I may. There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and his name is Jesus. He accepts us, He is committed to us in unfailing loyalty; He is generous beyond measure and totally available; He builds us up and affirms us, and we never have to fear being totally transparent and honest and vulnerable with Him because He knows everything about us anyway.
He wants to be your friend and the only thing preventing that is sin and disobedience. Listen to His own words in John 15:13ff: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” And what has He commanded? Well, He has commanded us to repent and believe. He said, “I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.”
You may not have realized it when you came here this morning, but no matter what your situation when you arrived, you can leave as a friend of Jesus. Trust Him; believe that He died to pay for your sins; and invite Him to come into your life and make you a new person. He will.
DATE: July 25, 2004
Tags:
Friendship
Loneliness
Accountability
Perspective
Insecurity
Selfishness
Loyalty
Transparency
[i] Thomas Wolfe, essay, “On loneliness at Twenty-three.”
[ii][ii] Albert Speer, Inside the Third Reich, exact citation lost.
[iii] Fyodor Dostoevsky, cited in Philip Yancey, What’s So Amazing about Grace, 175.
[iv] Words of Mary Ann Evans (George Eliot) as quoted in Alan Loy McGinnis, The Friendship
Factor, 36.