SERIES: David: A Person After God’s Heart
A Neglectful Father and a Rebellious Son: Recipe for Disaster
SPEAKER: Michael P. Andrus
Introduction: Absalom is a person it is easy to dislike. He murdered his brother, betrayed his father, and committed adultery in the sight of all Israel. But I believe as we study his life in a little more detail, it is more appropriate to pity him than hate him, for the circumstances of his childhood were less than ideal. No one, of course, is completely a victim of circumstances; every one of us can choose how to respond to our circumstances, and Absalom chose badly, more often than not.
Absalom’s life held endless possibilities. He was the son of the king, wealthy, and extremely handsome. Listen to 14:25: “In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him.” Absalom was also the father of four, including a daughter who was beautiful. What more could a guy ask for? But Absalom was a miserable failure by every righteous standard of measurement. As is often the case with tragic characters, the fault is both inherited and personal.
David’s failures as a father are multiple and profound.
It’s hard to escape the conclusion that King David was a terrible father. There are three particular failures that stand out in respect to Absalom.
Inadequate discipline. (1 Kings 1:6) We talked about this last Sunday. I rather suspect David allowed the affairs of state (pun intended) to steal quantity and quality time from his children. I can’t prove this, but when you look at the 16-19 children that David had by his many wives, one finds only Solomon leading a successful career, and even Solomon was less than a stellar success, spiritually speaking. Perhaps the reason Solomon speaks so strongly in the Proverbs of the need for parental guidance and discipline is that he himself experienced the pain of a dysfunctional family and was likely neglected by his own father during his formative years.
I understand, of course, that leading a nation, as David did, demands time and energy on a grand scale. But so does being a business executive or a teacher or a traveling salesman or a pastor. Probably over half the breadwinners in the audience this morning could spend 60 hours every week at their jobs without getting all the work done. The question is one of priorities. What is more important–to be successful, to climb the ladder, to achieve financial independence—or to rear one’s children well, nurture them, discipline them, and guide them.
Dan Wilson was sharing with me the other night about a friend of his who passed up a major promotion in Dallas with a huge salary increase, knowing that the move would cause disruption to his kids’ lives, and the requirements of the new job would prevent him from spending the needed time with his family. I honor that man for his decision.
Incomplete forgiveness (2 Samuel 14). I want us to think carefully about this matter of forgiveness, for there’s not one of us who doesn’t find himself regularly in the position of needing it and needing to offer it. But there’s a lot of fuzzy thinking on forgiveness today.
1. David extended to Absalom a forgiveness without repentance, without consequences, and without fellowship.” (14:1-24) You will recall from last week that Absalom murdered his half-brother Amnon after Amnon raped Absalom’s sister, Tamar. Knowing that he would be subject to discipline, perhaps even death, Absalom fled. We read in 13:38, “After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon’s death.” Now let’s read the rest of the story as found in chapter 14. I’ve chosen to read it from the paraphrase called The Message, so you might want to simply listen or follow on the screen:
Joab son of Zeruiah knew that the king, deep down, still cared for Absalom. So he sent to Tekoa for a wise woman who lived there and instructed her, “Pretend you are in mourning. Dress in black and don’t comb your hair, so you’ll look like you’ve been grieving over a dead loved one for a long time. Then go to the king and tell him this….” Joab then told her exactly what to say.
The woman of Tekoa went to the king, bowed deeply before him in homage, and said, “O King, help!”
He said, “How can I help?”
“I’m a widow,” she said. “My husband is dead. I had two sons. The two of them got into a fight out in the field and there was no one around to step between them. The one struck the other and killed him. Then the whole family ganged up against me and demanded, “Hand over this murderer so we can kill him for the life of the brother he murdered!’ They want to wipe out the heir and snuff out the one spark of life left to me. And then there would be nothing left of my husband–not so much as a name–on the face of the earth.
The king said, “Go home, and I’ll take care of this for you.”
“I’ll take all responsibility for what happens,” the woman of Tekoa said. “I don’t want to compromise the king and his reputation.”
“Bring the man who has been harassing you,” the king continued. “I’ll see to it that he doesn’t bother you anymore.”
“Let the king invoke the name of GOD,” said the woman, “so this self-styled vigilante won’t ruin everything, to say nothing of killing my son.”
“As surely as GOD lives,” he said, “not so much as a hair of your son’s head will be lost.”
Then she asked, “May I say one more thing to my master, the king?”
He said, “Go ahead.”
“Why, then,” the woman said, “have you done this very thing against God’s people? In his verdict, the king convicts himself by not bringing home his exiled son. We all die sometime. Water spilled on the ground can’t be gathered up again. But God does not take away life. He works out ways to get the exile back.” (Skip down to verse 18.)
The king then said, “I’m going to ask you something. Answer me truthfully.”
“Certainly,” she said. “Let my master, the king, speak.”
The king said, “Is the hand of Joab mixed up in this?”
On your life, my master king, a body can’t veer an inch right or left and get by with it in the royal presence! Yes, it was your servant Joab who put me up to this and put these very words in my mouth. It was because he wanted to turn things around that your servant Joab did this. But my master is as wise as God’s angels in knowing how to handle things on this earth.”
The king spoke to Joab. “All right, I’ll do it. Go and bring the young man Absalom back.”
Joab bowed deeply in reverence and blessed the king. “I’m reassured to know that I’m still in your good graces and have your confidence, since the king is taking the counsel of his servant.”
Joab got up, went to Geshur, and brought Absalom to Jerusalem. The king said, “He may return to his house, but he is not to see me face to face.” So Absalom returned home, but was not permitted to see the king.
Frankly, David’s forgiveness of Absalom here is a lot like the forgiveness we often practice, isn’t it? When we say we are ready to forgive someone we often mean, “I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget.” We forgive to the extent of not suing them or insisting on retribution, but the fellowship that previously existed between ourselves and the other person is broken beyond recovery. How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m not going to make him pay for what he did, but I never want to see his ugly face again”? Maybe even worse is the forgiveness that maintains a surface relationship but refuses to deal with the pain or seek reconciliation.
But you know something? God’s forgiveness is precisely the opposite of this kind of human forgiveness.
2. Divine forgiveness is forgiveness with repentance, with consequences, and with fellowship.” (14:14) While we often waive the consequences but break the fellowship, God in His perfect forgiveness restores the fellowship but refuses to waive the consequences. Think about that a moment. God says, “I am going to insist on confession and repentance, and I am going to make you pay the natural consequences for what you did, but I love you and I want to have an even closer fellowship with you than we had before.”
We saw this clearly, of course, in our last message on David. We found that even though God forgave him for his heinous sin and spared him from the death penalty for first-degree murder, David was not granted forgiveness until he repented, until he acknowledged, “I have sinned before the Lord.” And even then, he did not escape the consequences of his sin. Perpetual war plagued his reign, public calamity affected his family, and his son by Bathsheba died. God has built into His universe a law, namely that the harvest reaped bears a direct relation to the seed sown, even for those whose sins have been forgiven. But then God restored David, and some of their sweetest fellowship, as recorded in the Psalms, occurred after his restoration.
The Scriptures teach that our forgiveness of each other should be like divine forgiveness. We should seek and pray for the repentance of the offender, and that is why the Scriptures teach us how to confront one another righteously. We should also warn one another of the consequences of sin and in some cases, even play a role in bringing about those consequences, as when a parent disciplines a child. And third, we should have as our highest goal the restoration of fellowship. What a tragedy when people say, “There is no way I could ever have a relationship with him or her again!”
Unexpressed love. (2 Sam. 13:39; 18:4-33) Mental health experts, both Christian and non-Christian alike, tell us that at the root of a large percentage of the millions of emotionally and psychologically disturbed people today is the perception that they were not loved by their parents in childhood. Some of these people were unloved, and they suffer terribly for it. Some, however, were loved, but for some reason the parents never communicated that adequately. A man in our church in St. Louis told me that all the time he was growing up he never once heard his dad say, “I love you.” Instead, he heard him say hundreds of times, “You’re worthless. I hate you. I wish you had never been born.” Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it? But it happens, and his dad was an active member in an evangelical church, whose dad had done the same thing to him.
What does that do to a person? Well, this man’s five brothers and sisters have all been in and out of mental hospitals, and he himself is scarred and will always struggle with the negative effects of that child abuse.
I cannot prove to you that David never told Absalom he loved him, for we simply do not have sufficient information about the relationship between this father and son to make such a judgment. But we do have a few hints that there were major problems in this area.
1. David’s heart longed for Absalom during his exile, but he was too proud to ask him to return. (13:39) David loved Absalom. According to 13:38 David longed to be with him. So, what did he do about it? Nothing. It took a deceptive act on Joab’s part to twist David’s arm sufficiently to allow Absalom to return. Why? The only reason I can think of is pride and stubbornness. Why else would one continue to isolate himself from one he loves?
Yet it’s amazing to me how many families and friends suffer rifts that go on for years and years. Sometimes it’s over silly issues–personal offenses that can’t even be remembered. All the person can remember is that he’s been offended. In other cases, the offenses are deep and profound–a serious act of betrayal, a huge financial loss, or perhaps a vicious remark that cut a person to the core. Both sides know they should humble themselves. In some cases, they know they should repent; in other cases, they may have nothing to repent of but know they should still reach out to the other side. What keeps us from doing so? Often it’s pride and stubbornness. Or fear–perhaps that the other person will not respond positively.
I am relatively sure that David thought going to Absalom would be a sign of weakness. After all, he’s the king, and Absalom should be the one to make the first move. Well, Absalom did make the first move, but with less than stellar results. He engaged in a desperate act just to get permission to see his father again. Let’s finish the story in chapter 14, beginning in verse 28 (again from The Message):
Absalom lived in Jerusalem for two years, and not once did he see the king face to face. He sent for Joab to get him in to see the king, but Joab still wouldn’t budge. He tried a second time and Joab still wouldn’t. So he told his servants, “Listen. Joab’s field adjoins mine, and he has a crop of barley in it. Go set fire to it.” So Absalom’s servants set fire to the field. That got him moving—Joab came to Absalom at home and said, “Why did your servants set my field on fire?”
Absalom answered him, “Listen, I sent for you saying, “Come, and soon. I want to send you to the king to ask, “What’s the point of my coming back from Geshur? I’d be better off still there!” Let me see the king face to face. If he finds me guilty, then he can put me to death.'”
Joab went to the king and told him what was going on. Absalom was then summoned—he came and bowed deeply in reverence before him. And the king kissed Absalom.
David kissed his son Absalom, but one gets the impression that it was forced and therefore without great emotion. Absalom knew that David had received him, not willingly but reluctantly.
2. David revealed his love for Absalom, but it was interpreted as insincere and therefore ignored. (18:4-15) Skipping ahead in the story we find in Chapter 18 that Absalom has staged a rebellion, driven his father into exile, and now the decisive battle is approaching. We read in 18:4, “So the king stood beside the gate while all the men marched out in units of hundreds and of thousands. The king commanded Joab, Abishai, and Ittai, ‘Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.’ And all the troops heard the king giving orders concerning Absalom to each of the commanders.”
When David’s soldiers come upon Absalom, they find him in a very vulnerable position. He had been riding a donkey when his beautiful hair got caught in a branch and pulled him off the donkey. As he hung there by his hair, Joab, David’s commander in chief, “took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom’s heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab’s armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him.”
Why did Joab do that? I think he measured David’s words against David’s actions. “He says he loves his son, but when has he ever disciplined him? If I let him down from this tree, within three months he’ll be scheming to betray his father again and we’ll have another battle on our hands.” So he killed him.
3. David finally spoke directly and passionately of his love for Absalom, but it was too late.(18:33) When King David got the good news from a messenger that his army had prevailed over Absalom’s army, the first words out of his mouth were, “Is the young man Absalom safe?” The messenger said he didn’t know, but another messenger was right behind him. He said to David (18:31),
“My lord the king, hear the good news! The Lord has delivered you today from all who rose up against you.”
But David asked, “Is the young man Absalom safe?”
And the messenger replied, “May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you be like that young man.”
The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: ‘O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!”
My heart goes out to David here. I believe he was like so many today who wait until it’s too late to tell their loved ones they are loved. I have conducted hundreds of funerals in the 30 years I have been in pastoral ministry. In my experience there are two things that can ruin a funeral. The first is when the deceased didn’t know the Lord. The second is when the loved ones had unfinished business with the person who died. I have seen unspeakable pain on the faces of relatives (believers or unbelievers), who had neglected to show their love to a mother, or father, or even child.
Perhaps this brief reference to 2 Sam.18:33 will cause someone to go home today and call a loved one and tell them they are loved. Maybe even someone needs to say, “I love you,” in the car on the way home from church today.
But I don’t want to lay all the blame for this tragic story at David’s feet. As I said earlier, no matter how sad the circumstances of anyone’s life, that individual has personal choices to make. Despite the liabilities of his upbringing, Absalom had many opportunities that he neglected. Let me put it this way:
Absalom’s failures as a son are explainable but not excusable.
I think it’s important for us to consider the background of others and try to understand what makes them tick. Every one of us has had some unfortunate events in our life that could have turned the course of life in a bad direction. The more we understand, hopefully the more grace we will extend. You remember the old Indian proverb: “Never criticize a brother until you’ve walked in his moccasins for two weeks.”
But the mistake our culture often makes today is that we so readily turn explanations into excuses. “If momma didn’t potty-train me as she should have, then it’s not my fault that I became an axe-murderer.” Sociologists are constantly trying to relieve people of personal responsibility for their behavior.
Absalom’s home life was not ideal, nor was his father a paragon of virtue, but Absalom cannot be excused for his hatred, murder, conspiracy, and rebellion.
Hatred (2 Sam. 13:22). In 2 Samuel 13:22 we read, “Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.” One certainly can understand Absalom’s feelings; one cannot excuse them. Instead of confronting his brother and demanding that he be held accountable, Absalom cut his brother out of his life and obsessed about the offence. His hatred was a sophisticated hatred. He gave no public clue of his animosity, nor did he take any hostile action toward Amnon. His was a cool, patient hatred, a rage that could wait.
But hatred is a suicidal action. It sometimes destroys the person we hate, but it always destroys us. I’m reminded of James 1: 14: “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire (in this case, the desire for revenge), he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
By the way, we may be tempted to think that Absalom was in a class by himself with his obsessive hatred. But it is not so. Absalom is everyman. In Titus 3:3 Paul describes all of us before Christ: “For we also were once foolish, disobedient, being deceived, living as slaves to all sorts of passions and pleasures, spending our lives in malice and envy, hated and hating one another.” There is no escape except through what the next verse describes as “the goodness and generosity of God our Savior.” Apart from that, we share Absalom’s nature, whether we duplicate his deed.[i] In this case, hatred leads to literal death–both for Amnon and, ultimately, Absalom.
Murder (2 Sam. 13:23-29). Two years passed, and finally Absalom found his opportunity to do his brother in. He was having a sheep-shearing party and invited Amnon. He waited until Amnon loosened up during happy hour and then had him murdered. He realized he would be a wanted man, so he fled to a foreign country and stayed there for three years.
Conspiracy (2 Sam. 15:1-6). We’ve already told the story of Absalom’s exile, his return, and his incomplete reconciliation with his father. Let’s see the results in the opening verses of chapter 15, and since I’ve gone this far with The Message, I might as well continue:
As time went on, Absalom took to riding in a horse-drawn chariot, with fifty men running in front of him. Early each morning he would take up his post beside the road at the city gate. When anyone showed up with a case to bring to the king for a decision, Absalom would call him over and say, “Where do you hail from?”
And the answer would come, “Your servant is from one of the tribes of Israel.”
Then Absalom would say, “Look, you’ve got a strong case; but the king isn’t going to listen to you.” Then he’d say, “Why doesn’t someone make me a judge for this country? Anybody with a case could bring it to me and I’d settle things fair and square.” Whenever someone would treat him with special honor, he’d shrug it off and treat him like an equal, making him feel important. Absalom did this to everyone who came to do business with the king and stole the hearts of everyone in Israel.
Friends, there is a behavior here that is dastardly– “he stole the hearts.” He did it through deception, through manipulation, through hypocrisy, and through false humility.
Oh, how God hates that sort of thing, yet it is not uncommon in the church. I have seen leaders who undermine the authority of another leader by acting exceptionally concerned about the complaints they hear. Instead of saying to the complainer, “You need to go and talk to him directly about this,” or “Why don’t the two of us go and talk to him,” they will say, “I understand completely. You have every right to be upset. That would never happen if I were in charge.”
I find it a curious thing that certain individuals seem to have the ear of so many complainers. They think it’s because they’re good listeners. But sometimes it’s because they are known to be disgruntled themselves, so the complainers know they will always find a sympathetic ear. They steal the hearts of people.
Rebellion (2 Sam. 15:7-18). Absalom staged a first-rate coup against his father and David was forced to flee for his life from Jerusalem. We don’t have time this morning to tell the story of this rebellion, but we will return in a few weeks to tell the stories of Ittai and Shimei and Hushai and Ahithophel from this period of David’s life. All I want to do this morning is to read a few paragraphs from a book by Gene Edwards entitled A Tale of Three Kings: A Study in Brokenness.
“Sage!”
“Yes.”
“Sage, may I have a moment of your time?”
“Why, of course, I have a great deal of time.”
“You have just come from a gathering of friends at Absalom’s home?”
“Yes, that is correct.”
“Would you mind sharing some of the impressions you had while there?”
“You mean a general impression of Absalom and his friends?”
“Yes, that would be good enough.”
“Well, I have met many men like Absalom. Many.”
“Then what is he like?”
“He is both sincere and ambitious. A contradiction, perhaps, but true, nonetheless. He probably means some of what he says. But his ambition will continue long after he discovers his inability to do the things he promises. Righting the wrongs always becomes secondary to ascent to power.”
“I’m sorry, Sage, I do not understand”
“Two things stand out in my mind. At one gathering, when Absalom was answering questions, he was very emphatic that there should be more freedom in the kingdom. Everyone liked that. ‘A people should be led only by God, and not by men,’ he said. ‘Men should do only what they feel led of God to do. We should follow God, not a man.’ I believe those were his words.
“At another meeting he spoke of the great visions he had for God’s kingdom — of the great achievements the people were capable of….
“Yes, indeed, he does remind me of many other men I have encountered over the passing years.”
“Sage, I think I understand what you’ve said, but I’m not sure what your point is.”
“Absalom dreams. Dreams of what should be, of what will be: ‘This is what I will do,’ he says. But to fulfill those dreams, he must have the people’s cooperation. Ah, this is the point men overlook. Such dreams rest totally on the premise that the people of God will be with the new leader, that all will see as he sees. Such men can envision no problems in their own future kingdom. Possibly the people will follow, and, possibly, they will not….”
“What will Absalom do when people stop following him willingly? Ah, now there is a question.
“You see, there is no kingdom without discord. Even God had His critics in heaven, you know….”
“Rebels who ascend the throne by rebellion have no patience with other rebels and their rebellions. When Absalom is faced with the rebellion, he will become a tyrant. He will be ten times the evil he now sees in your king. He will squelch rebellion and rule with an iron hand… and by fear. He will eliminate all opposition. This is always the final stage of high-sounding rebellions. Such will be Absalom’s way if he takes the throne from David.”
“But Sage, have not some rebellions been of benefit, throwing out brutes and despots?”
“Oh, yes, a few. But I remind you: This particular kingdom is different from all others. This kingdom is composed of God’s people. It is a spiritual kingdom. I tell you emphatically, no rebellion in the kingdom of God is proper, nor can it ever be fully blessed.”
“Why do you say this, Sage?”
“For many reasons. One is obvious. In the spiritual realm, a man who will lead a rebellion has already proven, no matter how grandiose his words or angelic his ways, that he has a critical nature, an unprincipled character, and hidden motives in his heart. Frankly, he is a thief. He creates dissatisfaction and tension within the realm, and then either seizes power or siphons off followers. The followers he gets, he uses to found his own dominion. Such a sorry beginning, built on the foundation of insurrection…. No, God never honors division in His realm.
“I find it curious that men who feel qualified to split God’s kingdom do not feel capable of going somewhere else, to another land, to raise up a completely new kingdom. No, they must steal from another leader. I have never seen the exception….
“There are many lands unspoiled and unpossessed. There are many people in other places waiting to follow a true king, a true man of God. I repeat myself. (There are those who say I often repeat myself.) Why don’t ‘would-be kings and prophets’ simply walk quietly away, alone, find another people in another place, and there raise up the kingdom they envision?
“Men who lead rebellions in the spiritual world are unworthy men. There are no exceptions. And now I must go. I must join the passing parade.”
“Tell me, Sage, what is your name?”
“My name? I am History.”[ii]
Conclusion: King David’s grief for his son Absalom (18:33) rivals that expressed by any father over a lost son, for he knew that he was personally responsible for much of Absalom’s failure. My purpose in focusing so much attention on David’s failure with his son Absalom is not to bring lots of guilt to the surface for other parents who have failed. God knows there’s already enough guilt to go around. Nor do I want in any sense to relieve Absalom of responsibility for his own rebellious behavior, for the fact is many people who have suffered even worse parenting have overcome those wounds and are learning how to struggle well and love well.
Rather I want to say to the parents here today that if your children are still breathing, it’s not too late to provide adequate discipline, to express unconditional love, and to offer divine forgiveness. But I would also say to all of us that it’s also not too late to renounce excuses for our wrong behaviors and to accept responsibility for our own decisions.
There is one decision in life that many shirk responsibility for, but one day they will stand before God and hear him ask, “What have you done with my one and only Son whom I gave to pay the penalty for your sin?” And they will not be able to blame their parents or their culture or even claim they have never heard the truth. Yes, some people have had more chances than others; but everyone knows in his heart of hearts that there is a God who loves them, and that God has provided salvation from sin, if they will just accept it.
DATE: April 10, 2005
Tags:
Fatherhood
Forgiveness
Pride
Rebellion
[i] Dale Ralph Davis, 2 Samuel: Out of Every Adversity, 141.
[ii] Gene Edwards, A Tale of Three Kings: A Study in Brokenness, 63-68.